Happy Thanksgiving?

Forgive me if I come across ungrateful. I'm not an ungrateful person by nature, but I am a person and I simply can't be grateful every second of every day.

Today, this day when we are all supposed to "give thanks" I am angry and don't have it in me to do the politically correct thing.

Maybe it's the rebel in me that says I will give thanks when I am thankful, not because I am told to. Or maybe it's because I can't seem to encounter anything without being reminded of all that has been lost.

Whatever it is I'm not in a particularly thankful mood today.

But Lisa you have so much to be thankful for.

Um, you think I don't know that? Hmm? I do, trust me, I know. Thanks for the reminder, and for unintentionally making me feel like I am a selfish person because what I have to be thankful for isn't enough to keep at bay my grief for all I do not have.

Would we say to a quadruple amputee to be thankful, at least they have their head? Arms, legs who needs them, you can replace them with protesthics, so buck up Mr/Mrs Ungrateful, after all at least you are still breathing.

It's ridiculous to think that somehow that is an appropriate thing to say.

The  material items I lost were not just "things" they were a part of me. Every item I grieve for had a story and a history behind it. It was infused with memories and feelings. They were special for a million different reasons.

Only I know the love story behind the pile of rocks my niece drew faces on several years ago when once she was a more integral part of my life. Or the "jewels" she gave me which were placed front and center in the curio cabinet which happened to also hold our beloved Brooklyns ashes, which are also gone forever.

To some people these are only things. And on days when I have to completely disconnect feelings from thoughts, I can categorize them also as "things" but they weren't just things. They were bits and pieces of my life and collectively, along with my Husband and Children, all of these pieces made me who I am, and they made up my life. Someone made the comment that it's kind of cool because I get to have a "do-over" I get to start fresh. I didn't want a do-over though, I was happy and content. And the double edged sword now is that when I see in stores what I had before, things which I loved, I don't want them because they remind me of what happened, but I also don't want anything else, because what I had is what I liked and what I wanted. So walking into a store and trying to replace things only brings on tremendous anxiety and ultimately I walk away with nothing.
It is so frustrating.

But things aside, I have also lost the security of feeling safe, anywhere. For me I contend with thoughts at any given moment that my house will explode, or if I am driving, that an Elk will run out from nowhere and destroy my car, or I will be lotioning my leg and feel this strange bump and all of a sudden I have a tumor. Nothing is gradual anymore, there is no buildup it just goes from good to nightmare in a split second. I'm angry about this, I want my security back, I want peace in my mind and in my heart.

I can look at each of those examples and say to myself that while my house did blow up we all survived, sure an elk ran out in front of our car, in the middle of the night, totaling it, on the way home from Disneyland, but we all walked away from it, and yes I had a tumor in my leg, and now a 5 inch scar from surgery to remind me of it, but it was benign...So be happy! Be thankful! Stop whining!

But it isn't that easy. All of these things were beyond my control, they were thrust on me, so no matter how carefully I drive, closely I inspect my body, or walk through the house to make sure it is safe, anything can happen at any time, no matter how often I do these things.
There is no security and I am furious about this.

I hesitate to post this because of the way it may sound. But it is where I am today and my hope is that when I write a post next Thanksgiving it will be the complete opposite of this, and I can look back at this day and say "I am so thankful for how far I have come"