Tonight is one of those tossing and turning, mind wont shut off despite the exhaustion, nights...So I write, and hopefully I can sleep after.
Without going into specifics, today I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach. I have not yet been able to catch my breath and the threat of nausea is becoming harder and harder to keep at bay. I feel frantic, like I need to climb to the highest mountain top and pull some magical answers out of some magical place that exists, unfortunately, only in my head. I want something, and I want it so bad I can feel it burn through my body from the tips of my toes to the tip-top of my head. As a girl who has been known to be a bit of a control freak in certain situations, I need to feel as if I can control this as well. Unfortunately I can't.
This is where faith comes in for me. I cannot be a fair weather friend to faith. Embracing it and adoring it while in the midst of the good times and then forgetting about it when I want to assert my own control to try to make something happen. This is a concept I struggle with. And it is a vicious struggle, a fight in my mind and heart that rages on despite my attempts to tune it out.
I do believe faith trumps all. What I don't yet understand is, when does fighting for something you so desparately want start to outweigh the natural order of faith. I have always believed that God helps those who help themselves, is my fighting for something catching Gods attention, or is it having a total lack of faith that what is meant to be will happen.
Sigh....I wish I could call God and ask him....
I know every struggle, every heartbreak, every mountain to climb is an opportunity to grow and to learn something new. But I need a protein bar to make it up this mountain because this girl is tired and weary and heartsick....I guess my protein bar will have to be faith...Faith that as I put one foot in front of the other God is right beside me, smiling, knowing that when I make it to the top the reward will be more beautiful and incredible then I ever could have imagined. My heart knows this, I just wish my brain would catch up to my heart.
God, you are so good. I love and trust you infinitely. My faith in this plan is wavering but I know that with you all things are possible. I need only to trust in you and move forward with love, patience, compassion, and dignity. You shall see me through, for your plan is the only plan and my responsibility is to embrace it despite the unknown. Thank you God for loving me unconditionally, I know I must surely drive you crazy...I promise to stay strong and ask only that you be patient with me when I have a lapse in faith, I assure you it is only temporary. Amen and Amen and Amen
