There are a lot of things that have scared me over the
years, but none so much as what happened on October 12, 2012. At some point I
will be able to write about the actual event, but right now, just the thought
of writing out the words nearly throws me into a panic. I can talk about it,
but to write it seems to evoke an entirely different set of emotions, none of
which I am prepared to walk through.
Instead, I will write
about one of the interesting shifts in my mind that has occurred.
I am afraid of the dark. I have never been, as a matter of
routine, afraid of the dark. Sure, after watching a scary movie I would find
myself sprinting up the stairs to avoid the imaginary boogey man lurking behind
me. Or I would inch ever closer to the safety of Jimmy’s arms if I woke from a
nightmare in the middle of the night. But that is normal, and I never felt like
I should feel any other way.
What I am experiencing now is entirely different, and for
me, not normal.
I’m not sure what it is about the night that plays such
tricks on my mind but I have come to see the setting of the sun as my enemy and
a time to dread. I can feel my anxiety kick in, I become irritable, I start
doing busy work to occupy my thoughts, and then I get angry that night has to
come at all. I don’t like feeling this way and for right now I don’t have a
choice. It has become something I have to work through and accept as my new
reality for right now. It is as if someone else is controlling my thoughts and
emotions, and to a control freak such as me that is the worst possible state of
mind.
It is a strange
dynamic I am dealing with now. You see, the girls also are afraid of the dark.
So while this means I can keep lights under the guise of doing it to calm their
fears, it also means that when I am equally afraid I must not let them know.
How can they feel better or safe if they see Mommy is as scared as they are? It’s
hard to play dual roles this way, but entirely necessary if I am going to help
them heal and feel safe again. It’s a fine line trying to figure out how to
navigate through this nightmare. How much is too much when it comes to
disclosure to the kids? I want them to know that feeling afraid is perfectly
normal and appropriate. So I tell them that I don’t like night time right now
either. But I don’t take it much past that because I want them to feel like
with me they are safe. What to do, what to do….
I take comfort in knowing that this is only temporary and
that one day life will be right side up again. Getting there however, and
walking through this experience is enough to drive anyone to the brink of
madness. This process can’t be rushed unfortunately, so I will cling to my
babies as tightly as they cling to me and together we will ride out this storm.
Here’s to better days ahead, filled with delight and
sunshine, and no longer upside down.
