Strange the little things that can set off a firestorm of upset.
Dinner was served, milk was the drink of choice, I didn't know he wanted green tea. A glass of milk was enough to spark a meltdown, right there at the table. From smiles and laughter to tears and silence in just a blink of the eye.
I recognize the pattern and know that at this point there is no coming back, it simply has to run its course. He finishes his dinner, leaving the drink untouched, and leaves the table.
He takes refuge in his room, where he goes when he needs to be alone. I hear him crying, I want to go to him but I know this will not help, he prefers to cry it out and then be comforted, doing the opposite, I learned long ago, only adds fuel to the fire.
He is quiet, I hear his door open, he comes down the stairs and I call him to me. He sits and says "You dont love me and Dad doesn't love me" he is crying again. I am stunned and I tell him how we do love him, that we love him very much. "No you guys don't love me and I don't want to be in your family anymore" this feels like a kick in the stomach. I maintain my composure, knowing that if I allow myself to process that comment I will cry. I take his hand in mine and I tell him I am so sorry he is feeling this way, that we love him and that our family is so wonderful because he is in it.
"I don't want you to love me anymore Mom" is his response.
He shuts down, he wont talk anymore. He will not elaborate, he will not say why he is so upset, why he feels we don't love him, and why he doesn't want to be in our family.
He goes back to his room. It is late and he goes to bed.
I know that these types of comments are not uncommon from children when they are upset. Whether biological or adopted, children go through these stages. Learning how to process feelings, learning how to identify their true needs, is not easy for the average child. The difficulty is multiplied infinitely when you have children who have experienced significant life trauma.
I know he doesn't mean this. I know he is happy, and that he loves us. I witness his coming to life again and again day after day. The transformation is beautiful and I am so proud of him.
But knowing this does little to take the sting out of his words. My tears are shed in private, I gain much needed perspective, and tomorrow is a new day.
How I love my Son, and hate to see him hurting.
I hear his door again and I hear whispered voices,he is talking to Daddy. Footsteps on the stairs tell me he is coming down. To me he comes and in a voice barely above a whisper he says "I'm sorry Mom" he hugs me and we talk for a short time before he goes back up to bed.
Everything will be ok.
Thank You God, you are so good.
