A Priceless Treasure

It is always the small steps that are the biggest, at least on my home front. My Asart, my usually quiet, timid, hard to read little boy is starting to reveal himself more and more. He is starting to crave my love and affection, to actually want it and embrace it when given.

My Son is a puzzle of sorts. While I thank God endlessly that we have not yet had any of the big problems that some parents who adopt older children encounter, that is not to say we don't have areas of improvement.

One of these areas is my relationship with Asart. More specifically his need for Mommy. He bonded with Jimmy effortlessly and in a beautifully natural transition. Watching them is like watching two peas in a pod. If you were to only describe them by personality, not physical traits, you would be certain they had the same blood running through their veins. So much alike they are, it is uncanny and remarkable, and really quite amazing if you think about it.

But, for Asart and I the bonding process, the building of trust, the ease with which he approaches Daddy and not yet Mommy, are always at the forefront of my mind. Ways in which to blossom this Mother-Son relationship are constantly swirling through my head.

I cherish the times we have together, where he and I kind of have "our thing". One of those is homework. I help him with this, and I love seeing his progress. Also when I drive the boys to school in the morning Asart is my co-pilot. He looks at speed limit signs, then at the speedometer and lets me know when I need to speed up, "go forty Mom" ,  "Change lanes Mom"  , "Ahbie, Mom is driving she can't look", and then we have our Banana Car and Slug Bug ritual in that each time he sees one he gives me a high five instead of the sock-it-to-ya kind of punches the boys delight in. These are our things and I love them.

This past Sunday quite a remarkable thing happened in our home. Asart asked me if I wanted to watch football with him. Not Soccer Futball but American Football, which he is now completely obsessed with. It is important to note that Asart doesn't really "invite me" to do anything, so this was huge. I immediately dropped all that I was doing and took my seat beside him on the sofa. He started telling me different things going on, "dass a field goal mom" , "only 4 minutes 20 seconds mom" , "he got a touchdown mom", etc. I adored the way he took pride in "teaching" me what he knew and I tried to soak in every last bit of it. It felt so good to be included. We had been watching for about 30 minutes when I noticed he moved closer to my side. Then he slowly, like half an inch at a time slowly, rested his head on my shoulder - and he left it there. Then he started asking me things like which team I liked the best, do I like football, and other random questions that helped him get to know me a little better.

It was magical, it was huge, it was something he had never done before. I always initiate our affection, to which he doesn't object per-se, more sort of tolerates it.
We watched the entire game together, and save for the first 30 minutes, his head rested on my shoulder and he soaked up the feeling of having a Mommy on which to rest his head.

I love this boy infinitely. Every little step he takes is like a birth, he becomes new, again and again and again.

Thank You God for this treasure who is my Son, he is priceless.

Grrr...That Darn Mommy Guilt

I have found with this second adoption that it is nothing like the first, and it makes me sad.

Today I have been thinking about our baby Girls, on the other side of the globe. What they might be doing, how they might be feeling, what are they wearing, are they hungry, are they laughing. But sadly this is not always the case.

With our Boys every second was consumed with thoughts of them. Literally my first thought in the morning and last thought before falling asleep was of them. I stared at their pictures for hours at a time. I shopped and shopped, and obsessed over their room. I watched every "Gotcha Day" video on you tube, again and again. It never ended.

I feel a lot of guilt over this, that I am not obsessing, shopping, decorating their room, staring at their pictures for hours on end. I try to tell myself that this is normal. That right now my priority needs to be the boys, they are here, they need me on a daily basis, and it would be tragic if I obsessed right now over the girls the way I did with the boys. But that doesn't make me feel better. It is the never-ending cycle of guilt that comes along with being a Mommy I suppose.

So today was a welcome change. As Ahbie and I decorated for Christmas, and he sang songs in Amharic or Mejanger, I felt such peace and my thoughts traveled to my little ones so far away. I couldn't help but wonder with excitement what this time next year will look like. I wondered if my sweet loves would be so eager to sing for me, just as my Ahbie does, only in their precious little girl voices. As I hung up the stockings, I smiled at the thought of adding two more next year. As I put the lights on the tree I got butterflies thinking about how delightful it will be to see their faces when they see Christmas lights for he first time, and what it will feel like to hear their excited squeals of laughter as they run through the house. There is nothing quite so soothing as the pitter patter of little feet.

I try to be in the moment, but for me, it seems, being in the moment permits me to only think about one or the other. I need to find balance with this and I think today was a good start.