Grrr...That Darn Mommy Guilt

I have found with this second adoption that it is nothing like the first, and it makes me sad.

Today I have been thinking about our baby Girls, on the other side of the globe. What they might be doing, how they might be feeling, what are they wearing, are they hungry, are they laughing. But sadly this is not always the case.

With our Boys every second was consumed with thoughts of them. Literally my first thought in the morning and last thought before falling asleep was of them. I stared at their pictures for hours at a time. I shopped and shopped, and obsessed over their room. I watched every "Gotcha Day" video on you tube, again and again. It never ended.

I feel a lot of guilt over this, that I am not obsessing, shopping, decorating their room, staring at their pictures for hours on end. I try to tell myself that this is normal. That right now my priority needs to be the boys, they are here, they need me on a daily basis, and it would be tragic if I obsessed right now over the girls the way I did with the boys. But that doesn't make me feel better. It is the never-ending cycle of guilt that comes along with being a Mommy I suppose.

So today was a welcome change. As Ahbie and I decorated for Christmas, and he sang songs in Amharic or Mejanger, I felt such peace and my thoughts traveled to my little ones so far away. I couldn't help but wonder with excitement what this time next year will look like. I wondered if my sweet loves would be so eager to sing for me, just as my Ahbie does, only in their precious little girl voices. As I hung up the stockings, I smiled at the thought of adding two more next year. As I put the lights on the tree I got butterflies thinking about how delightful it will be to see their faces when they see Christmas lights for he first time, and what it will feel like to hear their excited squeals of laughter as they run through the house. There is nothing quite so soothing as the pitter patter of little feet.

I try to be in the moment, but for me, it seems, being in the moment permits me to only think about one or the other. I need to find balance with this and I think today was a good start.