As I wait for word on our Court Date I have days where I am so impatient with this process. Why does it seem to take so ever-loving long? Why can't I have my Girls home NOW? It goes on-and on-and on.....
So today I took a step back and gained some much needed perspective....
It is February 13, 2012...In little more then eight to ten weeks I will have my Daughters in my arms, never again letting them go. Orphans no more.
Eight.To.Ten.Weeks.
We officially started this process in December, so the reality of knowing that within four to five months from that time (possibly sooner) I will be Mommy to two more Little Beauties is really quite unbelievable.
What am I complaining about?
Shame on me, when there are others who have been waiting years with still no end in site.
But worse, shame on me for complaining when the reaity my Girls live daily is beyond anything I can even comprehend.
For me it is eight to ten weeks of having something to look forward to, something to go to. My destination is filled with light and joy. For my babies it is eight to ten more weeks of loss, of being away from all they ever knew. Every day is one more day without their Mommy, without their Daddy. One more day of no one one to love them as only a family can. For them ten weeks time translates to deeper loss. There hearts have no destination, darkness is all they know of their future.
They haven't an inkling of what their life will look like four months from now. Instead they live in a daily state of limbo, not knowing from one minute to the next if they will remain where they are, or be whisked off to another location, in another strange place, with another strange language, and a bunch of strangers surrounding them. It is impossible to imagine their terror. Although it may not be exhibited by them on a daily basis, it is there.
For them there is no end in site. They do not have the luxury of knowing that they do actually have a Family chomping at the bit to hold them in our arms, to embrace them and quench their parched souls with unending love.
Perspective is this...
As I decorate their room with a smile on my face, giddy with excitement, they sleep, often two to a bed, that is nothing more then a worn piece of foam, sharing a blanket as thin as can be, and if they are lucky, something to create a make-shift pillow. As I buy their pretty girl clothes, looking for hair bows and headbands to match, they will sleep in same clothes they have worn for two days, which most likely consist of pajama bottoms intended for a toddler and a little boys shirt, or worse, a toddlers onesie-turned-shirt for an eight year old with the snaps just covering her belly button. As I lay in bed at night and think about all of the ways I am going to love them and delight in how much they are going to add to our family, their thoughts are on the loss of their family, and all things familiar.
I get to anticipate the joy to come and share this excitement and new season of our life with my Husband, while they are saddled with grieving the heart-wrenching loss that has been thrust upon them, alone.
Perspective is a necessary thing.
No more days of impatient waiting, instead, when that feeling comes on I will turn that energy into prayers for my babies. Prayers for their hearts to be soothed, for their fears to abate, for there to be a tiny seed planted in their soul that says "you will have a mommy and daddy again, you are loved by many, you will never again have to face the trials of life alone, hang in their little one God is good"
And this will be my anthem from now until they are in my loves embrace:
This is the last February 13 they will spend without a family.
This Valentines Day will be the last they will spend without a family.
Their birthdays, which passed two months ago, will be the last they spend without a family.
When March 1st comes, it will be the last March 1st they spend at an Orphanage.
Every day up until we have them in our arms will be a last for them because when these dates roll around again next year their life will be, God willing, full of abundant love and joy.
Thank you God for perspective, You always know just what I need. Please keep my babies close to you, they need your love and comfort just as they need the air to breathe. Love them in my absence Lord, and please help me to have the strength and wisdom I need to make it through this wait with your intended perspective......Amen..Amen...and Amen
