I have three bio kids...My Sons, Donovan and Ryan, who rank as the oldest
and youngest respectively, were as drama free as any two children can be. Thank you boys I will be eternally grateful.
My daughter
Kennedy, now 3 weeks shy of 18, managed to make up for all of their easygoing nature, and
then some. Somehow, someway she knew exactly when and where to push every possible button
known to man. Oh this girl was defiant, in only the biggest sense of that word, and in the interest of full disclosure I have to say that it
is only through Gods good grace that her and I made it out alive...God, I owe
you big....
After going through two adoptions, Oz and
Ahbie who came home in June 2011, and now Chuna and Elen who came home in May
2012 I can see that life is going to be a repeat of my biological mommy
experience.
Oz and Ahbie, who were 10 and 6 when they came home were and
continue to be the most well behaved, well mannered, respectful children I have
ever seen. We have never even so much as raised our voices with them.
My
beautiful girls however are very much the opposite. Not so much Chuna who is 6
(well probably 8 but anyone who had adopted from Ethiopia knows what I mean) but my little Ellie Bellie
(4 but probably 6) is Kennedy's twin magnified by 10 trillion...She can, with
just a look in her pretty little eyes, say a thousand words, and each one of
them begins and ends with "and what are you going to do about it, yeah that's what I thought"
I feel lucky to have prior parenting experience with bio kids, because if I didn't I can see where I would spiral into the mindset of "OMG she is a traumatized child and I must do all I can to not make it any worse"...This is not to say their are not legitimate issues she is dealing with based on her story, rather that I can peg, with complete confidence and zero guilt, the trauma behaviors, versus the I am Kennedy magnified by 10 trillion and will, until I pass the age of 16 push every button you never even knew you had behaviors....
This scares me a lot because I have been down this road before, and it is HARD.
Being a little older (cringe) and wiser(yippee) I have a different perspective then I did some 18 years ago, and I thank God for this.
Let me preface my next paragraph with this: I am not speaking for the parents who are in the midst of crisis with true, deep rooted, traumatized children who need every last bit of help and support they can garner. My hats off to you, and the difficult heart wrenching situation you find yourself in as you open your eyes each and every morning. You are miracle workers and your determination will pay of one day.
I am speaking only from my experience with my children.
We are not perfect parents. We don't have perfect children. We will get angry. We will raise our voice. We will (gasp) swear in front of them (and then be called on it by them). We will feel guilt. We will question and second guess ourselves. We will read books from one end of the spectrum to the other and walk away more confused and full of self doubt than before. We will all do these things because that is what parents do. And children will try their best to push us over the edge because that's what children do. But in the midst of it all, don't lose site of your gut instinct, your common sense, your mommy/daddy intuition, and to heck with what the books and the so-called experts say. Forget the latest societal trends, because that's all they are are trends and in only a short time from now they will be debunked and replaced with new trends. Don't allow yourself to become bogged down in in your own self criticism. Parenting is hard...It is the hardest job on this planet and the last thing we need to do is make it harder on ourselves by living up to standards that are, quite frankly, unrealistic and only exist in the heads of Authors who have never walked in your shoes.
Instead try closing out the worlds noise, opinions, thoughts, and judgements and consistently do this instead:
Love your children unconditionally. Discipline as necessary. Teach them to be compassionate and to put others first, always. Teach them to accept everyone, no matter their differences. Encourage them to follow their dreams, even if we do not agree with them. Accept them for who they are, and love them no matter what. Set clear boundaries and give them something to count on, even if they don't realize or appreciate it. Teach them about God, a Higher Power, Buddha, or whatever you have chosen to put your faith in. Teach them to never give up, no matter how badly they want to. Teach them to do things right the first time and to take pride in their work. Give them chores, it builds self worth. Teach them to save and budget their money, from tooth fairy money up to their first job paychecks. And finally teach them to love themselves unconditionally and to accept who they are.
And while your at it, gift yourself these very same things, you deserve it.
