I don't know what is wrong with me. I want to write, I really want to write. But I haven't a clue where to start, or how to start. I want to implement a schedule in my home, I want to feel grounded, not like every second I am flying my the seat of my pants.
Each night before I fall asleep I play out how I want the coming day to unfold. I structure it and manipulate it into something that will include everyone and everything. I go to sleep thinking about this, excited for the sun to rise, and then it does, and I feel pulled under before I have pulled of the covers. All of my plans forgotten, pushed, no shoved aside, by the new days demands. And before I know it I am in bed again, planning how I want the next day to unfold.
I don't know how to press on and make the intentional changes that need to be made. I am tired, and fatigue is the enemy when you want to implement something new. I find myself frustrated with my lack of commitment to beginning anew. And then frustrated with my frustration because I feel like I am on a hamster wheel and how can I commit when everything is flying by faster then I can process it.
I set goals, and they are forgotten within 10 minutes of setting them. I write down reminders, and then forget I wrote them down, so I write reminders of reminders and forget them all. Trying to organize my life right now feels like trying to nail jello to a tree.
I feel like a hoarder, and my hoard are my thoughts. There are so many, at the same time, I find it impossible to know where to begin, much less how to organize them. Which ones do I get rid of?
It is overwhelming so I shut them out and close the metaphorical door. But of course, as with a hoarder of stuff, you can only function that way for so long before you can no longer ignore what is right there 24/7....
My saving grace is that I have a Husband who is so good at doing what I can't. I have two teenagers who manage to do the right thing and make responsible decisions, and I have four littles who couldn't possibly be any more perfect.
I need someone who can step in and organize my thoughts, someone to get me back on track.
Does such a person exist, I have no clue, perhaps I should spend a few more hours on the computer googling this, thus keeping that metaphorical door closed for just a little bit longer.
