How do you know when the choices you make are the right ones? How do you know when the feelings you feel are real and not contrived to fit any given situation? How do you know the path you are walking is the right path, the path God has destined you to walk? How do you know if what you are doing is His will and not your own human desires pushing his will out of the way?
I don't know the answer to any of these questions. Not one answer for one single question. And tonight it makes me mad that I don't know. I hate when I feel this way, when I feel like my foundation of faith is cracking and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I am, by nature, a girl who relies on faith. I have to have that otherwise I would likely be locked in a padded room somewhere.
When I feel unsettled my mind will wander to places it doesn't belong. The whys begin...The doubts become my new reality...and suddenly everything I thought was "right" seems off and left of center. It is a process which perpetuates itself. Running circles in my mind, endless circles that leave me feeling completely exhausted.
It isn't until I reach that point of exhaustion that it stops and I can then regroup and regain my bearings. If I try to interrupt the process that only makes it worse. So I have to let it run its course.
This would be a really bad thing, if, I didn't already know the outcome. And the outcome is so worth the craziness that ushered it in.
It is renewal. Becoming new again. Fresh, Optimistic, More Determined to stay the course, Motivated to be better, more Faithful to Him, and of course more certain than ever that He is in charge, not me. Faith - deeper - stronger - more honest...
What a beautiful experience. Where else in your life can you feel such genuine pleasure and joy? To be emptied so completely and then refilled with His pure unconditional love, there is nothing that compares.
So that begs the question - How Do You Know?- and the answer is simple - You Just Do -
I am so happy to have Him. I will spend forever trying to show Him just how much I love Him.
