We started on this adventure two years ago, the adventure of adding beautiful treasures to our family through adoption. In that time I have heard more stories then I can remember about families who, as a result of adding treasure to their families, are now living life upside down, with children who have been diagnosed with RAD (the most common these days, it seems), along with multiple other diagnoses that one doesn't think they will have to contend with when starting their journey.
As I read each each story, or listen to friends talk about their experiences I feel my heart breaking for them, and for their entire family.
I simultaneously feel like I am slowly wilting, hoping to be unseen, praying that I don't get asked any questions as to how we are doing with four Ethiopian babes being added in the last two years. And then it comes, the question I dread anymore, "So, how are you doing"
Ugh...OK....Deep breath....Here it goes...."We are doing great, actually, truth be told, we are doing better than great" and then I wait for the accusatory glint in the eye that says "oh come on, you can be honest, you don't have to sugar coat" and I pretend I don't see it, and I pretend I don't hear the doubt in their voice as they say "Really? hmm, well that's great!" And then the guilt kicks in, and the regret for being honest, and the feeling that somehow I should have a story to tell of trauma, and an upside down life, or something bad that than allows me to be a "real" adoptive parent.
I have been experiencing this since the boys came home in June 2011...But I was able to brush it off easily. Then the girls came home in May 2012, four weeks ago today, and I have found I can no longer ignore the "implication" of having a great adoption experience x 2....
It happened when I read a comment on a blog in which the writer said that they have no interest in reading the sunshine and rainbow blogs of adoptive families, but rather the ones that are "real" because they talk about the "real" issues associated with adoption.....
This wasn't directed at me, I know this. But it corresponded with everything I have been experiencing and it made me mad...I mean really, really mad....As in I wanted to write on this persons blog and tell them that they are a jerk, mad.....I didn't of course. Instead I tried to figure out why it had that impact on me. I should not allow such things to have that much control over my emotions. And then I realized why it upset me...It implies that I am not "real" or "honest" or that I am "living in denial" or some other crazy thing...
I can tell you that this makes me sad because it seems as if, unless there is a life filled with struggle and heartache, that it is somehow not a "real" life.
I do not have horror stories to write about, I am sorry if this disappoints you, and I am sorry you have horror stories. The worst I can say is that a hand full of times Cupcake was so upset that I would swear she was cussing me out in her native language. Um, OK...I've had my English speaking daughter do the very same thing, it goes along with parenthood, so it's not a big deal to me. It's not something I consider "Life altering" or worthy of a post which makes it bigger than it is. But the funny thing is I feel like I should write a post making it bigger than it is just so people, who I don't even know, can finally cast aside their doubts and say "OK, she is one of us, now this ir REAL"....
It is ridiculous that I should have to feel that I need to tone down our life to accommodate others expectations. And that not doing so causes people to "pass" on our life and our experiences simply because they are not full of rage, heartbreak, etc...
We are real...Our life is real...We go through growing pains, as every family does...We have bad days...Good days...and Great days...We wake up grouchy...We wake up happy...some days we don't want to get out of bed...We deal with grief...We explore feelings of loss/anger/confusion...We learn about life before "us" all of the time...We compromise...We give up restful nights for a bed full of little loves...We get our feelings hurt...We get angry...We have selfish moments...There are meltdowns...There are sibling rivalries and vying for the attention of Mom and Dad...We have a very real and normal life...We have a very balanced life, the lows are not extreme just as the highs are not extreme...
Do I think we are somehow super human parents, and that we are responsible for the lack of upset in our home? Nope, not for a minute...In fact we often times learn more from our children then they do from us. We don't get the credit for our "lack" of upheaval, our children do...They are the ones dealing so gracefully with the traumas they have endured. They are the ones who are brave and courageous. They are the ones who have had to overcome insurmountable obstacles, many of which would bring a grown adult to their knees. They are the heroes of their own stories, and they are the ones writing said stories. We are here to guide, support, love unconditionally, encourage, reign-in, nurture, and create an environment where they feel safe to experience any and all emotions they have on any given day. But these beautiul four developed their coping skills, and their personalities long before we came along.
Please, don't diminish their strides, or their heartbreak, simply because they happen not to have exceptionally difficult behavioral issues.
Just as there are "my life is upside down" families there are also "my life has never felt more right" families...Both are real, both are special, both are blessed by Gods grace, both are important, both are necessary, both are loved, both are appreciated, both are wonderful...Both are Good, and Good, no matter what is looks like, is real too....
