Walking In Grace: 11/10/12

Musical beds, this is the name Jimmy and I came up with after the girls came home. This was the only way to explain the phenomenon that happened in our home each and every night.

Let me explain with this real life example.

At bedtime all of the kids were in their respective beds and we were in ours. When we woke up the next morning, all four children were in our bed, I was in Ahbies bed and Jimmy was in Ozs bed. This is musical beds.

It drove me nuts after a few months because I was forever sleep deprived. As I would find myself in the middle of the night trekking from one bed to another, mumbling not so pleasant expletives, there was nothing I wanted more than for everyone to please – for the love of all things Holy - just stay in their beds.

What I didn’t know during those late night treks was that instead of cursing this game of musical beds I should have been thanking God for it.

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October 11 was a Thursday and Jimmy was working late, he wasn’t going to be home until after bedtime. The girls went to sleep in their beds and Ahbie and Oz were in mine waiting for Daddy. When Jimmy got home Ahbie had fallen asleep and Oz asked to stay in our bed for the night. I conceded to another night in a bed other than mine and went to Ozs bed. We were now in three different rooms, girls in theirs, Jimmy, Oz and Ahbie in mine, and I was in Ozs. Sometime in the middle of the night the girls made their way into Ozs bed with me.

Now we had funneled from three rooms to only two. The girls and I in Ozs room, and Jimmy and the boys in mine.

On Friday October 12 at 5:30am after Jimmy had left for work Oz came into his room and woke me up, he’d had a bad dream and was afraid. I took him back to my room and we snuggled while he told me about his dream.

At 6:00am Oz asked me when the sun would be up, I told him another hour or so. Ahbie woke up and they asked me if they could watch TV, they couldn’t go back to sleep. They turned on the TV, keeping it low as I’d requested and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

At 7:00am Ozs alarm clock went off waking Chuna and Elen. They couldn’t figure out how to turn it off and they came into my room. We were now all in my bed, the kids were watching TV and I was sleeping. Oz has only used his alarm clock a handful of times. That it was on at all, and went off in time to wake the girls only minutes before 7:15am is but one more miracle in this story filled with one after another.

We were now all in one room together.

At approximately 7:15am I was awakened by two things simultaneously. Something hit my face – hard - and there was a loud THWACK. In that split second I thought one of the kids had fallen on me or broke something and that was the noise and pain I felt. Before I could have another thought I was falling, still on the bed, but falling. There was a roaring that was deafening and terrifying, it was so very loud. I was looking up and for a second I saw blue sky.

I thought, in this order, three things; 1. This is the end of the world (yes I was serious). 2. An airplane has hit our house. 3. Oh My God it’s a Tornado!!

And then I was still, the falling had stopped, the roaring ended, and I was terrified and confused. My mind was spinning and I couldn’t think or speak. I saw Oz, and he crawled over to me, and then Ahbie. For some reason I remember looking down at him and bringing him up to me. We crawled to the window. I had to get them out of the house as quickly as I could. I remember saying “oh my God what happened” again and again, I may even have been screaming it, I don’t know.

Then I saw the house next to us and it was standing. That’s odd, why is their house still standing, what happened? And then my mind shouted Elen, where is Elen! I turned around to get her and didn’t see her. What I did see for the first time was a mass of debris, a wall of destruction that I knew I could not move. I wanted to throw up. “Oh please God don’t let her be under there”. A wave of panic rolls over me, and then my mind screams “oh my God where is Chuna!!! Oh My God I can’t move this stuff, where are my babies??!!!!

I look up and miraculously there was Elen standing on top of a pile of something. As I found out later from her, she had been stuck under the bed, but heard me and managed to crawl out. I reached up to her pulling her close, “Come here baby, come to Mommy” she wrapped her arms around my neck and legs around my waist and we inched our way back to the window. It dawned on me then that I couldn’t stand, that I was literally in nothing more than a small pocket of space. Above me, below me, on all sides were pieces of my home, except for this one small area. I put my head out the window and did the only thing I could think of doing, I screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs “HELP US!!! HELP US!!!! PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP US!!!!!!” Oz crawled beside me and started screaming too, HELP!! HELP!!

I heard Chuna just then, screaming in the most panicked voice I have ever heard “MOOOOOM! MOOOOOOM!” I was so confused, why is her voice coming from outside? I leaned further out the window and looked up. My God she is on the roof!! The roof is now almost on the ground. How did she get on the roof? Why is the roof on the ground? Why are we here? “WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!!!”

I call her to me, and she sits on her bottom and scoots down the incline of the roof. I see to my right our neighbor as he looks over our fence. But wait, that is our fence right? What is this mess? What happened? Oh my God my face really hurts. All of this happens in seconds. The boys and Elen are climbing out the window to arms of neighbors who have rushed to our aid. I climb out the window to Chuna. They take each of my babies, carrying them to safety. I try to walk. I can’t move. My body will not move. I am confused, my mind is swirling with the same thoughts, are the kids still in the house? Where are my babies? Oh wait they are OK. They are out. Quick get out of here. Wait, where are my babies? Are they still in the house? No they are out, they are OK.

Oh My God where is Ryan? Was he home last night? No he stayed at Mikeys. But did he come home and I didn’t know it? He would be in the basement! OH MY GOD HE WOULD BE IN THE BASEMENT!!!! Please God let him be at Mikeys, please, please God let him be OK.

I can’t stand, but I want to walk out of here. My body does not cooperate and all I can do is huddle down and freeze. I see a fireman, he tells me not to move. There are nails everywhere, there is glass everywhere. He makes his way to me and I look at him and think “Why are you here, what is going on?” I try to walk and he tells me no, then he picks me up and throws me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. This terrifies me, I scream, I am certain he will fall with me over his shoulder as he tries to navigate this disaster. I look around and see our deck in the neighbors’ back yard. What?! That’s our deck, but it’s in their backyard. The fence is gone, why is the fence gone? How are all of these houses standing, wasn’t there a tornado? An Airplane? Was this only my house? Oh my God what happened?

Sasha!!! Oh my God there is Sasha running through the back yard. I yell to the fireman, its Sasha, that’s my dog, please get Sasha. Wait….WHAT ABOUT EMILY AND GRACIE? They were sleeping in the kitchen. Oh no, please no. And our cats, where is Shadow? Where is Max? Where is Reggie? Oh no God please no. And where are my babies? Oh that’s right they are out and they are safe. But Ryan!! Where is Ryan?? Oh God please let him be at Mikeys.

The fireman carries me to the driveway of the neighbors behind and to the right of us. He sets me down. They bring me a blanket. I have to get to my babies, please let me go to them. He will not let me go. He tells me to stay there, that they are bringing a gurney for me. No, I’m ok, please let me go to my babies. What happened? I need my Husband, please can I call him. Please I need to talk to him. The fireman calls Jimmy, but I don’t get to talk, he hangs up before I can talk to him. I cry, I needed to talk to him, I need him here right now…I cry and I can’t seem to stop.

There are people everywhere, and they are all in shock. I try to hide in a corner, I don’t want to be seen. Please don’t look at me, I think in my mind, but can’t speak.

Then the gurney is here. I climb on. My face hurts. My elbow hurts, it is bleeding. There is glass in my elbow. What happened? What hit my face?

I get to go to my babies. I put my head in my hands and I pray. I pray and I pray and I pray. Please God help me, Please God help me, Please God help me, Oh my God please help me. This is all I can pray, all I can think.

We round the corner and I see my neighbors. Are my babies ok? I ask. They say they are but I don’t believe them. I am wheeled right to the ambulance, “WAIT” I scream “I NEED TO SEE MY BABIES” but they put me in anyway and I am in a panic. Why won’t they let me see my babies? I cry…I am terrified…I am strapped down…I pray….

A fireman comes to me and assures me they are OK. He tells me that we are all being transported to the hospital and that we will be reunited there. He wants me to calm down.

My mind continues to replay the sounds, the THWACK, that ROARING, the feelings of falling, of being met with all of that debris surrounding me. What happened??!!

I ask the paramedic if I can please call my Husband. He dials the number and then I hear his voice, my Husband, I need you here with me. He tells me he will meet me at the hospital. I tell him our home is gone. Please call Ryan, make sure he is at Mikeys. He tells me he has already confirmed Ryan is OK. THANK YOU GOD MY SON IS OK.

We hang up, and I am quiet. I am shrinking into myself, and I am suffocating in this bizarre reality that surrounds me. I think to myself, this has to be a dream? No, this is not a dream. You are in this ambulance, this is real. I want to shrink further and further away. I want to wake up.

The media is here, I hear someone say. Oh no, the news? Why are they here? What happened? Is this really news worthy? Will someone please tell me what happened?

Wait, I do not want them here, this is my life, my family, my devastation, and now it is being broadcast for the world to see?!?!?!

A new wave of despair rolls over me as I realize my life is no longer mine, my privacy has been taken from me, my children will never trust me to keep them safe, life as I have known it is gone.

Oh God please give me the strength to deal with this with some measure of grace and dignity because I have been stripped of all control and I am in a free fall.

Please God help me.

****This was our home****