Kennedy

I never hesitated to tell anyone who would listen that my Kennedy would live with me forever. That even when she grew up, became a Mother, a wife, a 35 year old woman, she would always live with me. I love my daughter with every breath I take.

Sadly life doesn't always work out the way we intend.

Kennedy is a Mother now, and for all intents and purposes, a wife. But she doesn't live with me anymore, and hasn't for almost a year.

I miss her. Desperately.

I talk to her daily. I see her often and I get to love on my grand baby. I adore her soul mate, who loves and treats her like a princess.

But still I miss her.

She has grown up, my girl, and she is forging her own path in life. She is a mommy who adores her son and who lavishes him with love, kisses and the patience of a saint. When she stumbles she does not run back into my arms but gets herself up and continues to push on. She loves her independence fiercely and will cling to it no matter what. I could not be more proud of her.

My heart aches though because I miss her here, with me. I long for the days when her biggest concern was matching her shoes to her outfit. Or when she would come home from work smelling like a nacho supreme (to this day I can't go to taco bell without feeling a lump in my throat and expecting to see her smile when I get to the window). I miss the smell of her perfume and seeing her key chain with far to many bobbles on it lying everywhere but where it should be (she is her mamas daughter). I miss her messy room, her piles of laundry, her backpack in the middle of the hallway. I miss laughing with her, laughing so hard my stomach ached. I miss hugging her, watching her leave the house in her workout clothes, water bottle in hand and a smile on her face. I miss my daughter.

I am grieving for what has passed. I will never ever get those moments back. They are now and forever only memories of days gone by. Life has moved on and what I miss will never be again. I can't will time to stop nor can I will what has passed to be my present. 

I do not know how to accept this just yet. In fact, unbelievably, there is still a part of me that refuses to accept this and insists I can make life what it used to be.

We make new memories now. We have new experiences together and she needs me in different ways. Now we talk about grown up things like soothing a crying baby and paying bills. This all happened to fast and I am stumbling to catch up to the present.

I miss her desperately and in a strange twist, during this season of our life, I think I actually need her more than she needs me.