Oh man, it's her, the one who knows all about what happened with the house. She lives in the neighborhood and know all about the fundraising the HOA did for us.
Ugh, she is the only one here. Deep breath, smile, be kind.
Oh what I would give for anonymity again.
I pushed my cart up to her register. I had come here to get some storage bins, and misc. items we needed.
I smile....Hello again, how are you tonight?....She really is very nice and asks how everyone is doing....Fine, thank you for asking....
She is scanning the items, one by one....asking questions...going slowly...A line starts to form behind me...
I can feel my mind start to slip a little. I t is almost time to pay and I feel a wave of shame wash over me. I try to talk myself into an OK place but I can't, instead I want to run from here and leave everything behind. I fight back tears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been blessed by such an outpouring of support. We have been on the receiving end of donations in the form of clothing, money, gift cards, offers of child care, etc. The generosity of others had no limits.
We are so grateful to everyone, truly we are.
I have discovered though, that this is a double edged sword. Perhaps I need not to be so proud, or perhaps I must practice walking in grace a little bit more.
As I stood in that line I had been prepared to pay with the gift cards we had been given. But as I saw the lady at checkout, and then the line started to form behind me, I suddenly felt so inadequate. Thoughts were running through my head which said "you can't provide for your own family, these people may have been the ones who donated these gift cards, which means they are providing for your family"
I couldn't shake this shame. Even if it was completely unfounded and rooted in nothing more than my insecurities.
Standing there I weighed my options...Pay with the gift cards like any normal person would, and be grateful you have them. Or write a check, and try to explain to Jimmy that you had a checkout meltdown and couldn't use the gift cards...In the end I could not use the gift cards.
Paying for those items made me feel good. It made me feel like I am not at the mercy of everyone else, that I can most certainly provide for my family.
I got home and gave Jimmy the gift cards. I told him I can't do it anymore. He was so understanding, which is hard when you are talking to crazy, and he reassured me and told me I don't have to do it anymore.
This has been such a learning experience for me. Never in a million years would I have thought there were so many lessons to be learned. I am becoming a different person, stronger, wiser, more humble, and it feels really good, even though it feels really bad.
Thank you God for generous friends, family and strangers, and for Husbands who know just how to make crazy wives feel better.
Oh, Lisa, my heart feels so much for you right now. People love you and your family and that's why so many were generous when you suffered such a horrible loss. From my standpoint, although you and I have only met once in person, I knew if the home that had been destroyed was ours, you would've been one of the first people to offer assistance of any kind. You approach everyone in your life with open arms, and that's why you found open arms when you needed them.
ReplyDeleteGod bless Jimmy for his understanding. I can't tell you how to feel or that you should ignore your feelings and just use those gift cards. You need to feel ok about how you're rebuilding your life. Just know that anyone who gave you a gift card would never, ever judge you for using it.
Great big hugs to you, friend.
Sweet Lisa - I agree with everything Kathleen said (and the fact that she said it better than I did).
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you all have been going through.
Just know that you are entitled to feel the way you feel. You have been on a hell of a journey and one God will redeem. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but He has something in store for you through all this.
I love you and your family so very much!