In the beginning it was ever-present and it was exhausting. If one gave me a kiss, the other would give me two. If we were on opposite ends of the room and one saw me sit down, she would make her way to me, and if the other saw what was happening, she too would make her way over and then it would become a race to see who could get next to me first.
Navigating this type of behavior is difficult for a multitude of reasons some of which include:
The heartbreak of seeing broken spirits. You want so much for them both to know that they are loved equally and unconditionally, whether they give me one kiss or two, whether they are right next to me or one person away.
It is time consuming and many intentional hours are spent rewiring their little minds to a new dynamic, different from what they have grown up with. That is hard work, emotionally and physically.
It is exhausting for me...When you have to be on high alert all of the time, on constant lookout for anything that could possibly be construed in their little eyes as favoritism of the other, feeling second best to the other, etc. it drains you.
Thankfully they are both responding very well to the approach I have taken. Instead of having incidents 50 times a day, we have them 30. Still draining, but, where there is forward progress, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Seeing the strides they have made actually gives me the added energy I need to see this phase trough.
To help rebuild and make their little hearts whole I have implemented a new bedtime ritual. I mainly did this for Chuna, as she is the one most in need of reassurance, but Elen has fun with it as well.
After we say our good nights, and our prayers I sit with each girl and they have to repeat the following:
"I am so beautiful"
"I am so special"
"I am so wonderful"
"I am so smart"
"I am so strong"
"I am so brave"
"My mommy loves me so so much"
"My daddy loves me so so much"
"Jesus loves me so so much"
"This is my house"
"This is my room"
"This is my bed"
"This is my mommy"
"I am so beautiful"
"I am so loved"
At first Chuna would barely say these above a whisper. She was embarrassed, and the words seemed to feel very foreign to her. Not because of the language, but because saying she was beautiful was hard for her. As I said, the dynamic is a complex one, sadly.
Now, each night, I no longer have to prompt her, she immediately goes into it after good nights and prayers. And at the end of it she always, always wraps her arms around my neck, with a fierceness that is equally heartbreaking and exhilarating, and tells me "thank you mommy, I love you so so much"
And just tonight Elen added a new one, she says "I love my Mommy". I was so proud of her for having the courage to tell me her idea, she struggles in this area a bit, and it was such a blessing to see that in a moment where she should be on the receiving end, she wants to give back.
They are healing by leaps and bounds, by the grace of our beautiful God. I love them so much.....
I love your idea! Thankfully, I only have one child to worry about and he seems to understand how much Mommy and Daddy love him, but he still struggles when I tell him he is special or that he is handsome. I am going to start implementing this!
ReplyDeleteThat is a fabulous idea! Mind if I steal it too?!
ReplyDeleteI can very much relate, as we have traveled down a similar road with our two girls. Trying to show attention and affection as evenly as possible is exhausting, and I often feel like I can never win. If I show one attention/affection (with the intent of showing the other the same as soon as I'm finished with the first), the second usually becomes offended and decides to be mad at me because I was paying attention to the other (usually a test to see what I will do - or a way to get extra attention). And often when I pay attention to the second one, the first (who I already showed affection/attention to) becomes jealous and mad. (I hope I'm making sense!)
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart that their pain and fear runs so deep. I love what you have them say each night, I think I am going do borrow your idea and do the same! Thanks for sharing! Much love to your special family!!!