Trust is Earned

So my Oz is going through some "stuff"....The "honeymoon" as it goes, has come and gone. Comparitively our transition has been remarkably easy, and free of the "typical" issues so many others have had to deal with - knock on wood.....

But a definate pattern has crept up on my once laid back - easy going Asart...It seems to surround issues of trust, but is not confined to only that area. I have been keeping track of our daily life and in the last 7 days my boy has had a meltdown on 5 of them. To give this context, when I say meltdown I do not mean flailing on the ground kicking and screaming. If you know Oz, you know that is not his style. His version of a meltdown is to quickly - and I mean in the blink of an eye quickly - grow very quiet, somber in the most extreme sense of the word and then the tears begin. They flow and they flow and they flow - steady streams of tears that once they are finished leave trails of white streaks down each cheek where the paths of the tears ran their respective courses, and, he will not talk - for a long time. But as he is crying he hums - at least that's what it sounds like to me - this humming sound of heartbreak.

He had a meltdown while out to dinner after a soccer game. It started seemingly out of the blue, we didn't know what happened, he refused to eat, he refused to talk, he sat in his seat and cried. We finished dinner, got in the car, still crying. We got home, still crying, we tried talking to him, still crying. I finally coaxed him into a warm bubble bath, still crying but at least letting me poor warm water on his back while singing to him. After ten minutes in the bath the crying slowed down, then stopped altogether. But he was silent. No words. He cried nonstop for almost two hours. Later that night Daddy talked to him and he opened up. He told Daddy that I laughed at him at the restaurant. Huh?? I had no idea - and still don't know what happened, what he mistook as laughing "at" him.

A couple of days later I made chicken for dinner (he loves chicken) and when he saw what it was he said he didn't like it. I thought he was "faking" because often he will say "Oz no like this" and then we say "OK, let me have it" and he will laugh and say "I'm just faking, I like" so I thought this was one of those times. My response to him was "Yeah Yeah silly boy, go ahead and eat" That triggered him. He grew quiet, then the tears, then he got angry and said "Oz no talk" and Daddy explained to him that when he gets upset he talks about it so he can feel better, that's what we all do. He was not having it and raised his voice to Daddy "I no talk!" Daddy explained it was not OK to raise his voice that way to Daddy, or to Mommy...Oz crossed his arms, tears steadily flowing and said through a clenched jaw "I no like family" ***oh man - was I just kicked in the stomach*** Luckily I had prepared myself for this type of comment and new not to take it personal, but when you hear it for the first time there is no way to prepare for what that feels like. Daddy took Oz to his room where he could have some time to work through what he was feeling. Daddy laid with him on his bed for about 30 minutes. No talking just Oz crying. Then I swapped places, Daddy went to finish dinner and I laid with Oz for another 30-45 minutes. When the crying stopped he was quick to tell me that he was mad/sad because Mommy told him to eat chicken and he no like. I relented and explained to him that if he does not want to eat chicken he doesn't have to. This food situation is a battle I am willing to concede defeat on. My Boys are trying to figure out what they like/don't like and so far pizza, spaghetti, mcdonalds, oranges, avocados, some soups, chipotle chicken and a chicken sandwich at Subway are pretty much all they want to eat. I know this will pass, and as long as they are taking their vitamins daily I'm not worried.

Yesterday Oz wanted to be picked up from school in the car. This means instead of my parking, getting out of the car, meeting him when he gets out, then walking back to the car, I pull up in the car pool lane and he gets in the car. The problem with the car pool lane is that it doesn't always run smooth and sometimes it takes FOREVER to get to where he is. Yeasterday was one of those times. He had to wait for about 6 minutes and he was MAD. I could see it all over his face before he got in the car. Once in he immediately said, "Mom no come" I tried explaining to him about the traffic and that he can walk down the sidewalk to get to me faster instead of waiting for me to make it through traffic. Uh hello Mom this is not about the fact that he had to wait, it's about abandonment...Needless to say my explanation fell on deaf ears, and understandably so, my Boy was terrified I was not coming to get him, he doesn't give a hoot about WHY I wasn't there. FOr him it begins and ends with I wasn't there. And the crying began. And we got home and the crying continued. And when I went upstairs he was sitting at his drawing table crying. I pulled up a chair and took his hands into mine. I asked him to please look at me, please look at my eyes. He did (which I was proud of as we are working on this all of the time) and I told him I was sorry I was not there when he got out of school. I asked him if he was scared when I was not there and the crying intensified, I told him I understood, and I would have been scared too. I told him that Mommy and Daddy will ALWAYS be there to get him, and I reitterated this many times. Repeating again and again that we will always be there, forever and ever. Again I told him I was sorry, kissed his hands, his forehead, the top of his head, told him how much I loved him. The crying stopped. But he still did not want to talk. He wanted some time alone and asked me to close the door to the playroom. I did. It wasn't more then five minutes when he opened the door and the beautiful smiling Asart was back.

Trust is earned...And Daddy and I have a long way to go in earning the trust of our Sons. What an amazing and beautiful journey it will be, to see such brokenness, slowly healed bit by bit and piece by piece until they become whole again. I love my Sons so much it takes my breath away and it makes my heart ache. It is my responsibility and duty to ensure that I painstakingly plan, prepare, and organize my life in such a way that they see, through action, that what Mommy said, that we will be there always and forever and ever, is true. They deserve this, and so much more.

Thank you God for my Sons. Please help me to be tuned in to what they are feeling, so that I may help them and walk through this with them. That they may trust me and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be there always, forever and ever and ever....Amen