I have been known, as my Husband says, to be a "shoot from the hip" kind of girl. I am equally proud and ashamed of this trait, as it has been both a blessing and a curse. It has netted me miraculous results, and has also caused a great deal of pain to a great number of people. I continue to try to keep this crazy out of control way of being under wraps, but lately, it has reared its head at seemingly the worst times ever. GRRRRRR and GRRRRR and GRRRRRR again...
It is a difficult choice when you decide to expand your family. You are met with many choices, impossible choices, guilt, fear, astounding joy, excitement, and doubt. There is a great and overwhelming resonsibility, to the already-family you love-on each and every day, to the orphaned child who pleads with God daily to have a family who loves-on them each and every day.
It goes without saying that my love for those without family is infinite. If I could bring home each and every child I would, but I can't. And so you are left with choices. Who...Why...When...are but a few of these. And each of these choices is fraught with pain and guilt. How do you choose one over another? Why do you want to change the face of your family..forever...? When is the timing right to make this move?
The easy answer is to trust Gods calling...The not so easy reality is that trusting Gods calling is all fine and well but being left to make the decisions and all that come with those decisions is a painful process. There is, unfortunately, no handbook on how to do this. We do not have the luxury of picking up the phone and dialing Heaven - "Hello God what do I do now?" or texting God "OMG...WWJD?"
So the choices are ours to make and we must believe and have faith that with each step we take, with each choice that is made, with every mistake we make along the way, this truly is Gods plan.
So many lives are impacted. It is easy to get tunnel vision, and to assume everyone is right there with you, looking through that same tunnel. WRONG WRONG and did I say WRONG.....If there is one thing I am learning, it is that, while it is great to have a vision, and to be called to act, there are still amazing little lives who don't understand it, and instead of feeling the beauty of it, they feel the terror, anguish, and heartbreak of being forgotten.
Our already-family, no matter the age, no matter their stage in life, no matter if they talk to you every day or only once a month, do not want to be replaced, or forgotten, or pushed aside. While this statement seems an obvious one, it is actually a very difficult thing to remember. Difficult because through our eyes we know this is not what is happening. We know that our love for our children does not wane, it does not fade, it does not diminish. But do they know that? We know that adding to our family, is just that, adding. Not replacing. Not forgetting. But adding to what is already a beautiful, amazing, loving, funny, quirky, crazy, out of control family. There is no such thing as replacing, at least not in my book.
No one can fill the shoes of those who already are. Those shoes are meant only for them. They do not fit anyone else. Everyone has their own unique pair of shoes and this is what makes up the family. I would be so sad if I didn't have my neon green shoes, or my basic white vans, or my sailors work boots, or my soccer cleats, or my "car shoes"...You are what fill my closet up and it would be empty without you.
The beautiful thing about having a big closet though, is that you can add a nice pair of neon pink shoes, to compliment the neon green, and each stands out on their own, never to be replaced by the other, but to be loved and adored for their individuality.
And when I honk my horn at a cute guy in the car next to us, because my sidekick thinks he's "hot" I want my neon green shoes with me, because that's what we do, that's how we roll...Honking at random "hot" strangers and then laughing just for the crazy fun of it. No one but my Neon Green Shoes would understand that.
But, when I want to buy the latest Christmas Barbie with the matching Barbie Christmas tree, I want my pink shoes with me, because, well, honking at random strangers with my green shoes brings me a joy that can't be replicated, and buying Barbies with my pink shoes brings me a different kind of joy that can't be replicated. And my neon green shoes would think it dumb to buy a Barbie, and my pink shoes would think I was crazy to honk at strangers and wouldn't laugh at all.
And at the end of the day, when we are sitting around the dinner table talking about our day, we can laugh about the honking and how crazy we are, and how embarrassed we were, while oohing and ahhing over the beautiful new Barbie and her equally beautiful matching Christmas tree...
They are different...They are lovely...They are all things wonderful and special...
It is adding...Never replacing...
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