Easter Was Fun

After my last post about the plastic egg meltdown I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but Easter was fun.

I did a lot of things different this time.

First: I bought everything at the last minute. This was good because there wasn't much selection  so I didn't go crazy.

Second: I kept it simple. Plastic buckets in stead of elaborate baskets. Everyone got the same thing (except Ry because of his age) a set of goggles w/snorkle and a beach towel, and candy. Ry got a towel and a Qdoba gift card in his bucket.

Third: I have always hidden the baskets, this year I set them all out on the dining room table, and hid only the eggs.

Since this is the kids the frist Easter for the four youngest they didn't know any different so for them this was AWESOME! In fact when Ahbie came down the stairs I could hear him saying to no one inparticular "The Easter bunny came! I sure love that guy!"

Ryan is older so he doesn't care about hunting for a basket, and had no desire to hunt for eggs. He had fun helping the kids find the eggs.

We had cereal for breakfast, went to Chilis for lunch, bought bikes for the kids as they have been asking often since they lost theirs. Today was a beautiful Spring day and bikes were the perfect addition.

Kennedy and Jeffrey stopped by and dropped off Easter goodies, which were scrum-dilly-ump-tious.

Jimmy took the boys and two of their friends to a movie and I watched The Wizard of Oz with the girls.

It was fun, relaxed, and full of joy.

Happy Easter.

That's All It Took

A plastic Easter egg randomly placed by a child and then found by me in the pantry. That's all it took to plunge me headlong into a depression I haven't been able to shake.

Three Easters ago I bought close to 500 plastic eggs on clearance to be used the following Easter. I had big plans for an Easter egg hunt, and I was so very excited. I also grabbed a bunch of plastic Easter buckets, for those who forgot to bring theirs, and the greatest yard sign which read START to be placed where all of the kids lined up.

That following Easter came and the eggs weren't used because we were in Ethiopia meeting our Sons for the very first time. I could think of no better way to have celebrated that Easter, but knew in the back of my mind that the following Easter I would put on the Easter egg hunt.

The following Easter came and in Gods amazing timing we were in Ethiopia again, this time meeting our Daughters. Once again I couldn't imagine myself anywhere other than right where I was on that Easter Sunday, and I couldn't help but think about how wonderful the following Easter was going to be with these four new blessings hunting for plastic Easter eggs.

One week from today will be the following Easter, the one I had so looked forward to. Only I don't have those 500 plastic eggs anymore, or the buckets, or that yard sign. They are all gone, taken from me on October 12, 2012 when my home exploded. I write that and I cry. Not because those silly plastic eggs can't be replaced, but because it is a reminder of how the seemingly simple things in life aren't really simple at all. They make up who we are. They represent our ideas, our plans, our dreams, hopes, and joy.

I am angry that my life has been turned upside down. I am angry that I can't look in my pantry for the bread without being blindsided by a plastic egg that shakes my very foundation. I am angry that it has had this impact on me and that I can't shake it. I'm angry that the first Easter for my children will not be what I had planned, hoped, and dreamed.

I don't want to replace those eggs, I want my eggs back.
I don't want to replace those buckets, I want my buckets back.
I don't want to replace that sign, I want my sign back.

I am now so left of center that I wish more than anything else that Easter would pass us by and I wouldn't have to acknowledge it all. I don't have Easter baskets for the kids, every time I see them in the store I want to throw up. And then I get angry, and then depressed, and then angry because I am depressed.

And damn it I want my eggs back, I want the excitement I felt for that egg hunt back, and I guess I just really want my life back.

I'm tired of pushing ahead, I just want to to stop for a while and ask God why? I haven't done that, I don't do that, I try to be the eternal optimist, but right now I'm tired of trying to keep my head above water. I need to be carried for a while.

I think instead of asking God why, I need to ask him for strength and grace. Asking why is pointless isn't it? Who cares why, what's done is done. I need strength right now, to shake off these blues. And I need grace to help me understand that life is so much bigger than I can ever understand and eggs or no eggs, I can still make plans, have hopes, and feel excitement, if I choose to.

Letting go is hard. Much harder then I ever could have imagined.

Honor Them Always

It's really hard some days, hearing about the life your child led before coming to you. The depths of their emotions can be overwhelming and your first instinct is to run to safety, to avoid the emotional drowning that accompanies such tragedy. But then just as quickly another more powerful instinct kicks in, that of protector, of mommy - the soft place for your baby to fall.

In a strange and surprising twist, the latter is more safe, more peaceful, more empowering. You realize that to run to safety accomplishes nothing, other than avoiding the inevitable, while protecting, being their soft place to fall in those heart wrenching moments actually brings healing, and allows you all, even if ever so slowly, to move on.

There is rebirth and new joy found as each difficult memory is realized, processed, acknowledged, and accepted.

It is that joy you see in their eyes, and the comments after like "thank you mommy for letting me talk", that make walking with them through their pain so very worth it. And when you know this you begin to understand that while you were not there to protect in the beginning, your physical and emotional presence in the now are like a soothing balm to a raw and hurting heart. It is what they need. To be heard, acknowledged, validated, and understood.

Protect now their sweet innocence, for although they have lived through so much ugly, they are still innocent in so many ways. Listen to them, love them, soothe their fears, be quiet and still and just listen to them. Give them peace of mind today, or at the minimum begin to build this foundation for them. They will grow into their security, faith and trust but it can take time.

The goal is not to "fix" them or to "take away" their pain, but rather to show them that life can be safe, they can love and be loved, they are worthy and so very valuable, they are unique and special in a million different ways which is what makes them who they are, and why they are so loved.
To "fix" implies they are broken, which is surely not the case.

Don't run from the ugly, they deserve better then that. Their stories deserve to be heard, for this honors who they are and where they have come from. Embrace it, and always be their soft place to fall. Be their Safe, their Constant, their well from which to draw love, reassurance and security, until they are filled up with it and realize, one day, that they have a well of their own, deep down inside their hearts, from which to draw.

The Wildlife Experience

I love homeschooling. I love it!!! Did I mention I love it??!!

Not only do I love it but the kids love it too. I knew it could go either way, so the fact that each day they wake up more eager then the day before makes me smile.

I love the flexibility, the laid back pace, the freedom to take as long as we need to on any one thing without worrying we aren't sticking to a stringent schedule.

I also love field trips. Since the weather has not been ideal for a lot of outside playtime, and they are now spending more time "cooped up" then what they are used to I opted to have a field trip last Friday to the Childrens Museum. It was a good time for the three younger ones, as everything was geared for children of a younger age. I felt bad for Oz though, as there was really nothing for him to do. He was disappointed.

I also took them on a field trip today. Jimmy was home and I thought it would be nice for him to join us this time. We went to lunch and then to The Wildlife Experience. It was fantastic! None of us had been there before and I am so glad we got to experience this first together. The kids were excited and engaged from the minute we walked through the doors.

Oz was so interested in all that was around him, he listened intently as Jimmy explained what this meant, and how that worked. Oz took out his phone and started taking pictures to have his own record of our visit.

The little ones were giddy, running from here to there, asking a million questions and soaking in the experience. It was a huge hit and we will be going back.

 

Hair

I am starting to keep track of the hairstyles I do for the girls, both photos as well as the time it takes.

Here is the style for today.

I did flat rope twists on Elen with a side part. I put rubberbands on the ends in addition to the heart beads, but will do only the beads next time.

This is my first attempt at flat rope twists and it took me an hour and a half.

Before

After

Before

After

The Back

The Top

The Ups and Downs and Ups Again

All week the kids have been so excited about Friday being their last day at school. They have counted down the "sleeps" and have wished for it to come faster. I was really happy about this, as the decision to home school them was riddled with doubts/what-ifs/uncertainty/fear....

Although I know it is the right decision, it is scary. Seeing their excitement allowed me to feel better about our choice.

The last day of school didn't look like what I thought it would, and my heart hurts for my children.

Chuna is sick, fever/vomiting/sore throat, and couldn't go to her last day of school. She hasn't made any comments about wishing she could have said goodbye to her friends, but I am bracing for that in the next few days as she begins to feel better. She is a social butterfly and has many friends.

Oz was in a great mood today. He woke up early so he could go to his last Friday morning before school dodge ball game. He was Star Student this week so he got to share his photos and answer students questions. He was excited about this. He attended his last after school reading session and had it been up to him he would rather have skipped it. He was happy, excited, and seemed relieved to have the day over. His friends and teachers put together a goodbye card for him and after reading the comments I realized just how special he was to so many. Here are a few of the many comments written:
"Oz you were a greeeeeeeeeeat friend"
"Oz you're the best and everyone will miss you"
"Oz you're the best and you've been the nicest person in the world"
"Oz you're the best student, best game player, and a great friend"

And they go on and on. He was admired, liked, respected, and held a special place in the hearts of so many.

My heart hurts for him, that he has to be pulled away from such kindness.

Ahbie was slow to get up this morning, asking if he could just stay home. Once up and with food in his belly he was excited to go to school. He was the most vocal about his excitement at being home schooled. And he meant it, until today after school.

I picked him up and the first thing he told me was how sad he was because he wont be able to play with his friends anymore. We started to talk about it and I did my best to acknowledge his feelings and reassure him he would have friends, some new, and some old, to play with. My words rang hollow of course because when you are sad and all you want are your friends, nothing anyone says will make you feel better.

He was on edge the rest of the evening, and through dinner. We eventually found a quiet corner where we could snuggle and talk. He opened up more about his feelings and I didn't try to make it better, only listened and acknowledged, and loved him up.

It seemed to have been just what he needed because he heard something on the television and with a big grin jumped up from my lap and said he just couldn't miss his favorite show. Fifteen minutes later, for no reason at all, he ran up to where I was sitting wrapped his arms around my neck, kissed my cheek, and ran back to resume watching his favorite show.

I know this is the right decision, I know that while they will have their sad moments, and even angry moments where they will question why I did this, in the end it is what is best for them.

I am praying like a mad woman that a year from now I can look back at this post and smile because I will see just how wonderful my babies are doing, how far they have come, and will have something tangible with which I can say that this was the right decision.

God please give me the wisdom needed to help them through their hard times....
 

Basement Five

What a difference a week makes....

Double Vanity will go here

Toilet and Bathtub



Linen Closet in Bathroom


 

Open Area at bottom of stairs

 



Homeschool Room (originally my craft room)



 

Ryans Room



 

    

Salon

Salon



 

TV Room

TV Room

Open Space at the bottom of the stairs
 







Basement 4

*The plumbing is completed
*The electrical is completed
*The insulation is completed
*All inspections thus far have passed
*Drywall starts going up in two days

Bathtub is in

Bathroom Plumbing

Plumbing for my salon

Drywall and insulation

More insulation

Electrical

Basement 3

Remember the pictures I posted last week? Well yeah, go ahead and look at those again because that's where we are this week...

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Basement Two

I am so excited. The basement is moving along at a rapid pace and we are on track for the 8 to 10 week timeline.

Framing is finished and we did a walk-thru of where we want light switches, electrical outlets, cable and phone jacks, as well as the placement of overhead lighting.

The electrician come tomorrow and the plumber on Saturday.

Then we wait for inspection which is currently 1 to 2 weeks out. Once inspection is passed they will insulate and put up the drywall.

Here are the latest pictures of the progress.

*View from the top of the stairs*

*Main wall at the bottom of the stairs. There are two built in art niches to break up the flat wall*

*Bedroom/Craft room*

*Bdrm/craft room

View from outside the bdrm/craft room*

*They have removed the piece of wall to open it up. It will be finished with a rail and ballisters matching what we have upstairs*

*This will be the wall the TV is mounted on*

*The couch will be along this wall*

*Another view of the open stairs*