The nightmares...The dog-gone pre-travel nightmares that plague me each night ...
Last night was the worst yet...We were sitting before the judge and she was talking to one of the other families...It dawned on me that everyone had an envelope with paperwork in it, paperwork needed to pass court. I did not have the envelope of paperwork. I started to panic, and looked at Jimmy, who was smiling becuase he had no idea I didn't have this paperwork. He was under the impression we were minutes away from passing court and I knew that was not going to happen. My mind was reeling. I was trying to remember where the paperwork was, did I leave it at the guesthouse? was it in the van we rode to the courthouse in? I was rummaging through my purse, praying it was in there...And then it hit me...The paperwork was on the other side of the world, in my study, mixed in with all of the paperwork I had intended to file away but never got to. It was there and we were here and the judge was getting ready to ask us for it, and jimmy had that smile, and I thought I was going to die...I leaned into him and whispered that I did not have the paperwork. he thought i was joking and patted my knee "good one honey" he said. I started crying, and he realized I wasn't playing, and his smile faded, disappointment filled his eyes, then anger, he was furious, the judge turned to us and I woke up....
It is going to be a long two weeks...
May I walk in grace always...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
The tickets are booked and I'm half crazy
I am so excited, we have booked our plane tickets. We depart DIA on Friday April 6...We will stay the night in Washington DC and leave for Ethiopia Saturday morning. We will fly Ethiopian Airlines (LOVE THEM) and arrive in Addis Ababa on Sunday April 8th.
With the boys we had two months to prepare for travel, this time it is slightly less then one month to prepare. The shopping, packing, appointments, more shopping, more packing, more appointments, spending, spending, and more spending, e-mails, final paperwork, more paperwork, oops one more signature needed, more shopping, more spending, more packing....and it has only been two days since we were notified of our court date.
This on top of the daily routines of dropping off and picking up children from school, doing the laundry, the housecleaning, the pet feeding, the grocery shopping, and every other little thing that typically consume an average day at casa de Martinez.....
Jimmy has been working like a mad man these last couple of months, because, well, I don't work anymore (outside of the home) and to him debt is the devil...He must have none in order to function, and as a result, works to pay off as quickly as we are accumulating. I love my Husband, he is a great man and a great provider. God love him.
Thus, I am doing almost all of the above myself. I'm tired. Lord can you hear me? I am tired.
I need a chef, a dish washer, a housekeeper, a laundry do-er(huh?), a chauffer, a personal shopper, and an overall clone of me multiplied by 300. Then maybe, just maybe, I can meet each deadline, pack every last item, balance my checkbook, scour through paperwork for the 3 billionth time, take a shower, get out of these sweat-pants, wear a pair of matching socks, make-up? what's that? so what that I haven't shaved my legs for nearly two weeks, you should see my arm-pits, and make it to Ethiopia with some of my hair still attached to my head.
I can't seem to get organized no matter how many lists I write, and re-write, and tear up to start over again.
Breathe I keep telling myself, but that only takes more time, which I don't really have.
Oh Lord, please give me the endurance I need to make it through these next few weeks without losing what is left of my mind. Thank you, I Love You, and Amen.
With the boys we had two months to prepare for travel, this time it is slightly less then one month to prepare. The shopping, packing, appointments, more shopping, more packing, more appointments, spending, spending, and more spending, e-mails, final paperwork, more paperwork, oops one more signature needed, more shopping, more spending, more packing....and it has only been two days since we were notified of our court date.
This on top of the daily routines of dropping off and picking up children from school, doing the laundry, the housecleaning, the pet feeding, the grocery shopping, and every other little thing that typically consume an average day at casa de Martinez.....
Jimmy has been working like a mad man these last couple of months, because, well, I don't work anymore (outside of the home) and to him debt is the devil...He must have none in order to function, and as a result, works to pay off as quickly as we are accumulating. I love my Husband, he is a great man and a great provider. God love him.
Thus, I am doing almost all of the above myself. I'm tired. Lord can you hear me? I am tired.
I need a chef, a dish washer, a housekeeper, a laundry do-er(huh?), a chauffer, a personal shopper, and an overall clone of me multiplied by 300. Then maybe, just maybe, I can meet each deadline, pack every last item, balance my checkbook, scour through paperwork for the 3 billionth time, take a shower, get out of these sweat-pants, wear a pair of matching socks, make-up? what's that? so what that I haven't shaved my legs for nearly two weeks, you should see my arm-pits, and make it to Ethiopia with some of my hair still attached to my head.
I can't seem to get organized no matter how many lists I write, and re-write, and tear up to start over again.
Breathe I keep telling myself, but that only takes more time, which I don't really have.
Oh Lord, please give me the endurance I need to make it through these next few weeks without losing what is left of my mind. Thank you, I Love You, and Amen.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
God is So Good
On January 26th I wrote a post, in it I mentioned how delightful it would be if God brought everything together in such a way that we were able to meet our daughters on Easter Sunday, just as we had met our Boys on Easter Sunday last year.
It was only wishful thinking of course, as we had no court date, and no idea when we would hear anything.
In typical God is Awesome fashion he brought everything together just so, and and a result we will indeed meet our Daughters on April 8th,2012 Easter Sunday....
I sure do love this Man called God....Amen...Amen...and Amen...
It was only wishful thinking of course, as we had no court date, and no idea when we would hear anything.
In typical God is Awesome fashion he brought everything together just so, and and a result we will indeed meet our Daughters on April 8th,2012 Easter Sunday....
I sure do love this Man called God....Amen...Amen...and Amen...
Monday, March 5, 2012
Some days nothing beats a phone call
We got it, the call we have been waiting for. The call that tells us we have a court date and are going to be mommy and daddy again to two beautiful baby girls...Our court date is Wednesday April 11, 2012...
Thank you God!!! Thank You!!! Thank You!!! Thank You!!!
Thank you God!!! Thank You!!! Thank You!!! Thank You!!!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Gratitudes
1. I am grateful for painful memories of the past, which remind me of the joy in my life today.
2. I am grateful for this daily reminder in my living room....
3. I am grateful for my Husbands love. Without him my life would be painfuly different.
4. I am grateful for my Son's love of the piano. It is music to my ears daily and inspires me to be better.
5. I am grateful for the opportunity to have dreams.....
6. I am grateful for little one's artwork
7. I am grateful for my love of reading, and most important, that I am blessed to know how to read.....
8. I am grateful for friends www.emariestar.blogspot.com who blog about making fantastic home-made laundry soap...
9. I am grateful for friends who are gracious enough to send me pictures of my baby girls on the other side of the world....
10. I am grateful for "Faith" which allows me to maintain peace in my heart in the midst of chaos...
2. I am grateful for this daily reminder in my living room....
3. I am grateful for my Husbands love. Without him my life would be painfuly different.
4. I am grateful for my Son's love of the piano. It is music to my ears daily and inspires me to be better.
5. I am grateful for the opportunity to have dreams.....
6. I am grateful for little one's artwork
7. I am grateful for my love of reading, and most important, that I am blessed to know how to read.....
8. I am grateful for friends www.emariestar.blogspot.com who blog about making fantastic home-made laundry soap...
9. I am grateful for friends who are gracious enough to send me pictures of my baby girls on the other side of the world....
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| My "E" |
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| My "C" |
10. I am grateful for "Faith" which allows me to maintain peace in my heart in the midst of chaos...
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Gratitude and Iron Man
I have discovered this great book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp which is best described as follows:
With startling lyrical power, Voskamp writes the answers to universal questions:
I am inspired by this book and touched by her ability to put into words so many of my thoughts and feelings.
It is only recently I have started looking for new ways to better who I am with any bit of real sincerity. I have this longing to be a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend, etc. I realize I have become stuck, that I have been stuck for a really long time and change is necessary if I am to live my life to its fullest potential.
Practicing gratitude daily, many times through-out each and every day is profoundly uplifting and triggers changes in area's you never thought possible. However, it is hard....It is work...It is not easy to live in the moment and to change life-long habits in order to drink in all there is to be grateful for.
I have been recording my gratitude's by way of the old-school journal, putting pen to paper, and foregoing the ease and convenience of the the computer. I thought that doing it that way would make it more "authentic" somehow. I am here to tell you that it doesn't. What a silly little notion that was. Going forward I am going to record them here, on my blog, where I can type out what I say in a quarter of the time it takes me to write it down.
I am not a girl who can start something mid-way through the week or without having a clear beginning point. For me that beginning point is always at the start of a new week. Every Sunday will be my day to capture my gratitude's from the prior week.
I have also had the boys start a gratitude journal of their own. Priceless are the items in which they feel grateful for. Things like "friends to play basketball with", "The Watermelon Plant that is now growing by leaps and bounds" and of course "watching Iron Man".....It is a work in progress for each of us but a tradition I intend to maintain with them for years to come.
God....thank you for Ann Voskamp, she is an inspiration to many....amen and amen and amen
With startling lyrical power, Voskamp writes the answers to universal questions:
- Where is joy in the midst of cruelty and chaos, duties and despair?
- How does one slow down enough for the soul and God to live in synch?
- How in the world do we learn to find God and live fully?
I am inspired by this book and touched by her ability to put into words so many of my thoughts and feelings.
It is only recently I have started looking for new ways to better who I am with any bit of real sincerity. I have this longing to be a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend, etc. I realize I have become stuck, that I have been stuck for a really long time and change is necessary if I am to live my life to its fullest potential.
Practicing gratitude daily, many times through-out each and every day is profoundly uplifting and triggers changes in area's you never thought possible. However, it is hard....It is work...It is not easy to live in the moment and to change life-long habits in order to drink in all there is to be grateful for.
I have been recording my gratitude's by way of the old-school journal, putting pen to paper, and foregoing the ease and convenience of the the computer. I thought that doing it that way would make it more "authentic" somehow. I am here to tell you that it doesn't. What a silly little notion that was. Going forward I am going to record them here, on my blog, where I can type out what I say in a quarter of the time it takes me to write it down.
I am not a girl who can start something mid-way through the week or without having a clear beginning point. For me that beginning point is always at the start of a new week. Every Sunday will be my day to capture my gratitude's from the prior week.
I have also had the boys start a gratitude journal of their own. Priceless are the items in which they feel grateful for. Things like "friends to play basketball with", "The Watermelon Plant that is now growing by leaps and bounds" and of course "watching Iron Man".....It is a work in progress for each of us but a tradition I intend to maintain with them for years to come.
God....thank you for Ann Voskamp, she is an inspiration to many....amen and amen and amen
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I gave him milk, he wanted green tea
Strange the little things that can set off a firestorm of upset.
Dinner was served, milk was the drink of choice, I didn't know he wanted green tea. A glass of milk was enough to spark a meltdown, right there at the table. From smiles and laughter to tears and silence in just a blink of the eye.
I recognize the pattern and know that at this point there is no coming back, it simply has to run its course. He finishes his dinner, leaving the drink untouched, and leaves the table.
He takes refuge in his room, where he goes when he needs to be alone. I hear him crying, I want to go to him but I know this will not help, he prefers to cry it out and then be comforted, doing the opposite, I learned long ago, only adds fuel to the fire.
He is quiet, I hear his door open, he comes down the stairs and I call him to me. He sits and says "You dont love me and Dad doesn't love me" he is crying again. I am stunned and I tell him how we do love him, that we love him very much. "No you guys don't love me and I don't want to be in your family anymore" this feels like a kick in the stomach. I maintain my composure, knowing that if I allow myself to process that comment I will cry. I take his hand in mine and I tell him I am so sorry he is feeling this way, that we love him and that our family is so wonderful because he is in it.
"I don't want you to love me anymore Mom" is his response.
He shuts down, he wont talk anymore. He will not elaborate, he will not say why he is so upset, why he feels we don't love him, and why he doesn't want to be in our family.
He goes back to his room. It is late and he goes to bed.
I know that these types of comments are not uncommon from children when they are upset. Whether biological or adopted, children go through these stages. Learning how to process feelings, learning how to identify their true needs, is not easy for the average child. The difficulty is multiplied infinitely when you have children who have experienced significant life trauma.
I know he doesn't mean this. I know he is happy, and that he loves us. I witness his coming to life again and again day after day. The transformation is beautiful and I am so proud of him.
But knowing this does little to take the sting out of his words. My tears are shed in private, I gain much needed perspective, and tomorrow is a new day.
How I love my Son, and hate to see him hurting.
I hear his door again and I hear whispered voices,he is talking to Daddy. Footsteps on the stairs tell me he is coming down. To me he comes and in a voice barely above a whisper he says "I'm sorry Mom" he hugs me and we talk for a short time before he goes back up to bed.
Everything will be ok.
Thank You God, you are so good.
Dinner was served, milk was the drink of choice, I didn't know he wanted green tea. A glass of milk was enough to spark a meltdown, right there at the table. From smiles and laughter to tears and silence in just a blink of the eye.
I recognize the pattern and know that at this point there is no coming back, it simply has to run its course. He finishes his dinner, leaving the drink untouched, and leaves the table.
He takes refuge in his room, where he goes when he needs to be alone. I hear him crying, I want to go to him but I know this will not help, he prefers to cry it out and then be comforted, doing the opposite, I learned long ago, only adds fuel to the fire.
He is quiet, I hear his door open, he comes down the stairs and I call him to me. He sits and says "You dont love me and Dad doesn't love me" he is crying again. I am stunned and I tell him how we do love him, that we love him very much. "No you guys don't love me and I don't want to be in your family anymore" this feels like a kick in the stomach. I maintain my composure, knowing that if I allow myself to process that comment I will cry. I take his hand in mine and I tell him I am so sorry he is feeling this way, that we love him and that our family is so wonderful because he is in it.
"I don't want you to love me anymore Mom" is his response.
He shuts down, he wont talk anymore. He will not elaborate, he will not say why he is so upset, why he feels we don't love him, and why he doesn't want to be in our family.
He goes back to his room. It is late and he goes to bed.
I know that these types of comments are not uncommon from children when they are upset. Whether biological or adopted, children go through these stages. Learning how to process feelings, learning how to identify their true needs, is not easy for the average child. The difficulty is multiplied infinitely when you have children who have experienced significant life trauma.
I know he doesn't mean this. I know he is happy, and that he loves us. I witness his coming to life again and again day after day. The transformation is beautiful and I am so proud of him.
But knowing this does little to take the sting out of his words. My tears are shed in private, I gain much needed perspective, and tomorrow is a new day.
How I love my Son, and hate to see him hurting.
I hear his door again and I hear whispered voices,he is talking to Daddy. Footsteps on the stairs tell me he is coming down. To me he comes and in a voice barely above a whisper he says "I'm sorry Mom" he hugs me and we talk for a short time before he goes back up to bed.
Everything will be ok.
Thank You God, you are so good.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
February 28 is a great day
I found out today that we were submitted to court in Ethiopia!!!! YYYIIIPPPEEEE!!!!!!
One year ago today we received the call that we had an April 27 court date for Oz and Ahbie!!!!
And twenty-three years ago today my beautiful Donovan was born...Happy Birthday Little Man!!!!!
One year ago today we received the call that we had an April 27 court date for Oz and Ahbie!!!!
And twenty-three years ago today my beautiful Donovan was born...Happy Birthday Little Man!!!!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Ahbie my love...
My Ahbie, little angel baby....
I was up until 4am last night reading a book, The Trouble With Alex by Melanie Allen....
I knew I had to get up at 7am to get the kids ready for school but I couldn't put the book down. As predicted 7am came way to soon and I dragged myself out of bed. To my delight there was a ton of snow which resulted in no school for the day...
YIPPEE!!! I could go back to bed...Yeah right, not so fast Mama. Ahbie was up and he asked me, ever so sweetly, if I would please watch a movie with him. I explained how tired I was and that if I watched a movie with him I would likely fall asleep...He smiled and said "dass ok mommy you can sleep and I will watch the movie" Perfect solution....
I told him to head downstairs that I was gathering up warm blankets and I would meet him down there....Blankets in hand I trek to the basement and as I round the corner I hear his little voice "close your eyes mommy for one second please" I do, and I can hear shuffling and a little giggle, then he tells me I can open my eyes. My little munchkin was standing next to his very neatly made makeshift bed on the couch. He had grabbed his comforter and a throw blanket along with a couple of throw pillows and laid them out for me to sleep on. His smile could not have been brighter as he showed me his thoughtful act of loving kindness...He patted the pillow and invited me to lay down so I could sleep. After big hugs and kissses he asked me which movie I wanted to watch. I told him it was his choice, whatever he wanted. He insisted I pick, telling me it was my turn. Kung Fu Panda was the pick of the day....I was awake for about 20 minutes and then remember only waking up to the TV off, then falling back to sleep and waking up again with the tv on and Ahbie singing theKung Fu Panda theme song.
He saw me awake and asked "did you have good sleep mommy?" I said "yes baby thank you for letting me sleep". He asked if I was hungry, and I told him yes. He said that he would make me breakfast, scrambled eggs if I wanted - (he loves making scrambled eggs). I thanked him and asked if I could have cereal instead. He said "mommy it's your breakfast, whatever you want I will make" So cereal it was....We go upstairs, he shows me where to sit at the table. Then he gets the bowl, spoon, cereal and milk. He brings me my cereal and I thank him, "you're welcome mommy" (I LOVE the "mommy" stage, because you know they are still lil babies) then he asks me if I want milk or apple juice to drink...Apple juice please....He starts pouring and asks me if I want a little or a lot? Just a little please....
Then he pours himself a glass and sits next to me. His smile is unwavering and you can see the pride he feels at taking such good care of Mommy....
This little angel baby has stolen my heart, and just when I think I have seen the depths of his love he shows me even more....Thank you God for the blessing of my Little Ahbie.....Amen and Amen and Amen
I was up until 4am last night reading a book, The Trouble With Alex by Melanie Allen....
I knew I had to get up at 7am to get the kids ready for school but I couldn't put the book down. As predicted 7am came way to soon and I dragged myself out of bed. To my delight there was a ton of snow which resulted in no school for the day...
YIPPEE!!! I could go back to bed...Yeah right, not so fast Mama. Ahbie was up and he asked me, ever so sweetly, if I would please watch a movie with him. I explained how tired I was and that if I watched a movie with him I would likely fall asleep...He smiled and said "dass ok mommy you can sleep and I will watch the movie" Perfect solution....
I told him to head downstairs that I was gathering up warm blankets and I would meet him down there....Blankets in hand I trek to the basement and as I round the corner I hear his little voice "close your eyes mommy for one second please" I do, and I can hear shuffling and a little giggle, then he tells me I can open my eyes. My little munchkin was standing next to his very neatly made makeshift bed on the couch. He had grabbed his comforter and a throw blanket along with a couple of throw pillows and laid them out for me to sleep on. His smile could not have been brighter as he showed me his thoughtful act of loving kindness...He patted the pillow and invited me to lay down so I could sleep. After big hugs and kissses he asked me which movie I wanted to watch. I told him it was his choice, whatever he wanted. He insisted I pick, telling me it was my turn. Kung Fu Panda was the pick of the day....I was awake for about 20 minutes and then remember only waking up to the TV off, then falling back to sleep and waking up again with the tv on and Ahbie singing theKung Fu Panda theme song.
He saw me awake and asked "did you have good sleep mommy?" I said "yes baby thank you for letting me sleep". He asked if I was hungry, and I told him yes. He said that he would make me breakfast, scrambled eggs if I wanted - (he loves making scrambled eggs). I thanked him and asked if I could have cereal instead. He said "mommy it's your breakfast, whatever you want I will make" So cereal it was....We go upstairs, he shows me where to sit at the table. Then he gets the bowl, spoon, cereal and milk. He brings me my cereal and I thank him, "you're welcome mommy" (I LOVE the "mommy" stage, because you know they are still lil babies) then he asks me if I want milk or apple juice to drink...Apple juice please....He starts pouring and asks me if I want a little or a lot? Just a little please....
Then he pours himself a glass and sits next to me. His smile is unwavering and you can see the pride he feels at taking such good care of Mommy....
This little angel baby has stolen my heart, and just when I think I have seen the depths of his love he shows me even more....Thank you God for the blessing of my Little Ahbie.....Amen and Amen and Amen
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Falling Into Place
Everything is falling into place beautifully. While we don't yet have a court date to travel to Ethiopia for our Daughters, decisions are being made and finalized in preparation for this life-changing event.
We have decided for this first trip to court we are going to bring everyone. Everyone being Jimmy, Myself, Kennedy, Ryan, Oz, and Ahbie. It was important to me that KK and Ry see their Brothers and Sisters country of birth. They need to breathe the same air, smell the same smells, hear the same sounds, and experience the beauty and tragedy of it all. My hope is that this will be a life-changing experience for them both and they will choose a path in their life of grace, servitude and humility.
It is equally important to me that Oz and Ahbie go back to their homeland, for better or for worse this is theirs to claim. Amidst the poverty and sorrow there is a richness of spirit and love unlike anything I have experienced before, anywhere. My Sons have much to be proud of, and as with KK and Ry I want to guide them down a path of living in grace, servitude and humility. I want them to cultivate compassionate hearts for their Country.
We are also blessed that while Jimmy, KK, Ry, and Oz will fly home after court, Ahbie and I will remain in Ethiopia with the girls until we can all fly home as a family. Upon passing court our daughters will leave the Care Center and stay at the guest house with us. This was not something I thought would be possible, but God made sure everything would fall into place just so, thereby making it possible for us to do this.
I felt so strongly about doing this and struggled for the longest time at the thought of having to leave the girls. I am convinced one of the reasons the boys have adjusted so well is because we were able to live there, in familiar surroundings, foods, smells, language, etc for almost six weeks. The three of us together 24 hours a day 7 days a week enabled us to build the foundation of our relationship on what could be called "their turf" and I thank God often for that opportunity.
I pray and hope that we will net the same result with our Daughters.
The Boys US Passports arrived in the mail yesterday. What a beautiful thing to see. It is almost unimaginable to think that our Sons were "orphans" and without family this time last year. And now they are US Citizens, with a family that loves them endlessly, and they will soon have Sisters who share their same experience. God is so good.
Amazing the difference one year makes.
We have decided for this first trip to court we are going to bring everyone. Everyone being Jimmy, Myself, Kennedy, Ryan, Oz, and Ahbie. It was important to me that KK and Ry see their Brothers and Sisters country of birth. They need to breathe the same air, smell the same smells, hear the same sounds, and experience the beauty and tragedy of it all. My hope is that this will be a life-changing experience for them both and they will choose a path in their life of grace, servitude and humility.
It is equally important to me that Oz and Ahbie go back to their homeland, for better or for worse this is theirs to claim. Amidst the poverty and sorrow there is a richness of spirit and love unlike anything I have experienced before, anywhere. My Sons have much to be proud of, and as with KK and Ry I want to guide them down a path of living in grace, servitude and humility. I want them to cultivate compassionate hearts for their Country.
We are also blessed that while Jimmy, KK, Ry, and Oz will fly home after court, Ahbie and I will remain in Ethiopia with the girls until we can all fly home as a family. Upon passing court our daughters will leave the Care Center and stay at the guest house with us. This was not something I thought would be possible, but God made sure everything would fall into place just so, thereby making it possible for us to do this.
I felt so strongly about doing this and struggled for the longest time at the thought of having to leave the girls. I am convinced one of the reasons the boys have adjusted so well is because we were able to live there, in familiar surroundings, foods, smells, language, etc for almost six weeks. The three of us together 24 hours a day 7 days a week enabled us to build the foundation of our relationship on what could be called "their turf" and I thank God often for that opportunity.
I pray and hope that we will net the same result with our Daughters.
The Boys US Passports arrived in the mail yesterday. What a beautiful thing to see. It is almost unimaginable to think that our Sons were "orphans" and without family this time last year. And now they are US Citizens, with a family that loves them endlessly, and they will soon have Sisters who share their same experience. God is so good.
Amazing the difference one year makes.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Closer
We are one step closer to our baby girls...On Wednesday we received our appointment notification to have our Biometrics (fingerprints) taken. This is required to obtain our I171H which is needed in Ethiopia to pass court. Our appointment was scheduled for March 5th but we went there today in the off chance they would take us early,and to our delight, they did. We were in and out within 10 minutes.
It should take several weeks to receive the I171H, and we will have it in plenty of time to pass court. We don't have a court date yet and wont know anything until after Feb 26 as the courts are closed until then.
So, with fingers crossed we wait to hear something....
It should take several weeks to receive the I171H, and we will have it in plenty of time to pass court. We don't have a court date yet and wont know anything until after Feb 26 as the courts are closed until then.
So, with fingers crossed we wait to hear something....
Monday, February 13, 2012
Perspective
As I wait for word on our Court Date I have days where I am so impatient with this process. Why does it seem to take so ever-loving long? Why can't I have my Girls home NOW? It goes on-and on-and on.....
So today I took a step back and gained some much needed perspective....
It is February 13, 2012...In little more then eight to ten weeks I will have my Daughters in my arms, never again letting them go. Orphans no more.
Eight.To.Ten.Weeks.
We officially started this process in December, so the reality of knowing that within four to five months from that time (possibly sooner) I will be Mommy to two more Little Beauties is really quite unbelievable.
What am I complaining about?
Shame on me, when there are others who have been waiting years with still no end in site.
But worse, shame on me for complaining when the reaity my Girls live daily is beyond anything I can even comprehend.
For me it is eight to ten weeks of having something to look forward to, something to go to. My destination is filled with light and joy. For my babies it is eight to ten more weeks of loss, of being away from all they ever knew. Every day is one more day without their Mommy, without their Daddy. One more day of no one one to love them as only a family can. For them ten weeks time translates to deeper loss. There hearts have no destination, darkness is all they know of their future.
They haven't an inkling of what their life will look like four months from now. Instead they live in a daily state of limbo, not knowing from one minute to the next if they will remain where they are, or be whisked off to another location, in another strange place, with another strange language, and a bunch of strangers surrounding them. It is impossible to imagine their terror. Although it may not be exhibited by them on a daily basis, it is there.
For them there is no end in site. They do not have the luxury of knowing that they do actually have a Family chomping at the bit to hold them in our arms, to embrace them and quench their parched souls with unending love.
Perspective is this...
As I decorate their room with a smile on my face, giddy with excitement, they sleep, often two to a bed, that is nothing more then a worn piece of foam, sharing a blanket as thin as can be, and if they are lucky, something to create a make-shift pillow. As I buy their pretty girl clothes, looking for hair bows and headbands to match, they will sleep in same clothes they have worn for two days, which most likely consist of pajama bottoms intended for a toddler and a little boys shirt, or worse, a toddlers onesie-turned-shirt for an eight year old with the snaps just covering her belly button. As I lay in bed at night and think about all of the ways I am going to love them and delight in how much they are going to add to our family, their thoughts are on the loss of their family, and all things familiar.
I get to anticipate the joy to come and share this excitement and new season of our life with my Husband, while they are saddled with grieving the heart-wrenching loss that has been thrust upon them, alone.
Perspective is a necessary thing.
No more days of impatient waiting, instead, when that feeling comes on I will turn that energy into prayers for my babies. Prayers for their hearts to be soothed, for their fears to abate, for there to be a tiny seed planted in their soul that says "you will have a mommy and daddy again, you are loved by many, you will never again have to face the trials of life alone, hang in their little one God is good"
And this will be my anthem from now until they are in my loves embrace:
This is the last February 13 they will spend without a family.
This Valentines Day will be the last they will spend without a family.
Their birthdays, which passed two months ago, will be the last they spend without a family.
When March 1st comes, it will be the last March 1st they spend at an Orphanage.
Every day up until we have them in our arms will be a last for them because when these dates roll around again next year their life will be, God willing, full of abundant love and joy.
Thank you God for perspective, You always know just what I need. Please keep my babies close to you, they need your love and comfort just as they need the air to breathe. Love them in my absence Lord, and please help me to have the strength and wisdom I need to make it through this wait with your intended perspective......Amen..Amen...and Amen
So today I took a step back and gained some much needed perspective....
It is February 13, 2012...In little more then eight to ten weeks I will have my Daughters in my arms, never again letting them go. Orphans no more.
Eight.To.Ten.Weeks.
We officially started this process in December, so the reality of knowing that within four to five months from that time (possibly sooner) I will be Mommy to two more Little Beauties is really quite unbelievable.
What am I complaining about?
Shame on me, when there are others who have been waiting years with still no end in site.
But worse, shame on me for complaining when the reaity my Girls live daily is beyond anything I can even comprehend.
For me it is eight to ten weeks of having something to look forward to, something to go to. My destination is filled with light and joy. For my babies it is eight to ten more weeks of loss, of being away from all they ever knew. Every day is one more day without their Mommy, without their Daddy. One more day of no one one to love them as only a family can. For them ten weeks time translates to deeper loss. There hearts have no destination, darkness is all they know of their future.
They haven't an inkling of what their life will look like four months from now. Instead they live in a daily state of limbo, not knowing from one minute to the next if they will remain where they are, or be whisked off to another location, in another strange place, with another strange language, and a bunch of strangers surrounding them. It is impossible to imagine their terror. Although it may not be exhibited by them on a daily basis, it is there.
For them there is no end in site. They do not have the luxury of knowing that they do actually have a Family chomping at the bit to hold them in our arms, to embrace them and quench their parched souls with unending love.
Perspective is this...
As I decorate their room with a smile on my face, giddy with excitement, they sleep, often two to a bed, that is nothing more then a worn piece of foam, sharing a blanket as thin as can be, and if they are lucky, something to create a make-shift pillow. As I buy their pretty girl clothes, looking for hair bows and headbands to match, they will sleep in same clothes they have worn for two days, which most likely consist of pajama bottoms intended for a toddler and a little boys shirt, or worse, a toddlers onesie-turned-shirt for an eight year old with the snaps just covering her belly button. As I lay in bed at night and think about all of the ways I am going to love them and delight in how much they are going to add to our family, their thoughts are on the loss of their family, and all things familiar.
I get to anticipate the joy to come and share this excitement and new season of our life with my Husband, while they are saddled with grieving the heart-wrenching loss that has been thrust upon them, alone.
Perspective is a necessary thing.
No more days of impatient waiting, instead, when that feeling comes on I will turn that energy into prayers for my babies. Prayers for their hearts to be soothed, for their fears to abate, for there to be a tiny seed planted in their soul that says "you will have a mommy and daddy again, you are loved by many, you will never again have to face the trials of life alone, hang in their little one God is good"
And this will be my anthem from now until they are in my loves embrace:
This is the last February 13 they will spend without a family.
This Valentines Day will be the last they will spend without a family.
Their birthdays, which passed two months ago, will be the last they spend without a family.
When March 1st comes, it will be the last March 1st they spend at an Orphanage.
Every day up until we have them in our arms will be a last for them because when these dates roll around again next year their life will be, God willing, full of abundant love and joy.
Thank you God for perspective, You always know just what I need. Please keep my babies close to you, they need your love and comfort just as they need the air to breathe. Love them in my absence Lord, and please help me to have the strength and wisdom I need to make it through this wait with your intended perspective......Amen..Amen...and Amen
Thursday, January 26, 2012
....and so we wait
Today we got a call that finally made me feel as if we are making some forward progress with our second adoption. Our Dossier is headed to Washington DC...finally....It will be in Washington DC for about a week (God willing less then that) and then sent directly to Ethiopia where it will be translated and we will be submitted for a court date.
I am hopeful we will hear of a court date within the next 4-5 weeks. I am secretly wishing for a March court date but realistically it probably wont come until April.
April is a good month though for a couple of reasons...Jimmy's birthday is in April, and our court date for Oz and Ahbie was April 27, 2010...We met our boys on Easter Sunday last year.
This year Easter falls on April 8th and I smile at the thought of God leading us to our daughters on the same blessed day as he did our Sons just one year ago.
This of course is only wishful thinking, but I hold on to whatever bit of excitement I can, as the waiting at times is exhausting.
I am hopeful we will hear of a court date within the next 4-5 weeks. I am secretly wishing for a March court date but realistically it probably wont come until April.
April is a good month though for a couple of reasons...Jimmy's birthday is in April, and our court date for Oz and Ahbie was April 27, 2010...We met our boys on Easter Sunday last year.
This year Easter falls on April 8th and I smile at the thought of God leading us to our daughters on the same blessed day as he did our Sons just one year ago.
This of course is only wishful thinking, but I hold on to whatever bit of excitement I can, as the waiting at times is exhausting.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
A Priceless Treasure
It is always the small steps that are the biggest, at least on my home front. My Asart, my usually quiet, timid, hard to read little boy is starting to reveal himself more and more. He is starting to crave my love and affection, to actually want it and embrace it when given.
My Son is a puzzle of sorts. While I thank God endlessly that we have not yet had any of the big problems that some parents who adopt older children encounter, that is not to say we don't have areas of improvement.
One of these areas is my relationship with Asart. More specifically his need for Mommy. He bonded with Jimmy effortlessly and in a beautifully natural transition. Watching them is like watching two peas in a pod. If you were to only describe them by personality, not physical traits, you would be certain they had the same blood running through their veins. So much alike they are, it is uncanny and remarkable, and really quite amazing if you think about it.
But, for Asart and I the bonding process, the building of trust, the ease with which he approaches Daddy and not yet Mommy, are always at the forefront of my mind. Ways in which to blossom this Mother-Son relationship are constantly swirling through my head.
I cherish the times we have together, where he and I kind of have "our thing". One of those is homework. I help him with this, and I love seeing his progress. Also when I drive the boys to school in the morning Asart is my co-pilot. He looks at speed limit signs, then at the speedometer and lets me know when I need to speed up, "go forty Mom" , "Change lanes Mom" , "Ahbie, Mom is driving she can't look", and then we have our Banana Car and Slug Bug ritual in that each time he sees one he gives me a high five instead of the sock-it-to-ya kind of punches the boys delight in. These are our things and I love them.
This past Sunday quite a remarkable thing happened in our home. Asart asked me if I wanted to watch football with him. Not Soccer Futball but American Football, which he is now completely obsessed with. It is important to note that Asart doesn't really "invite me" to do anything, so this was huge. I immediately dropped all that I was doing and took my seat beside him on the sofa. He started telling me different things going on, "dass a field goal mom" , "only 4 minutes 20 seconds mom" , "he got a touchdown mom", etc. I adored the way he took pride in "teaching" me what he knew and I tried to soak in every last bit of it. It felt so good to be included. We had been watching for about 30 minutes when I noticed he moved closer to my side. Then he slowly, like half an inch at a time slowly, rested his head on my shoulder - and he left it there. Then he started asking me things like which team I liked the best, do I like football, and other random questions that helped him get to know me a little better.
It was magical, it was huge, it was something he had never done before. I always initiate our affection, to which he doesn't object per-se, more sort of tolerates it.
We watched the entire game together, and save for the first 30 minutes, his head rested on my shoulder and he soaked up the feeling of having a Mommy on which to rest his head.
I love this boy infinitely. Every little step he takes is like a birth, he becomes new, again and again and again.
Thank You God for this treasure who is my Son, he is priceless.
My Son is a puzzle of sorts. While I thank God endlessly that we have not yet had any of the big problems that some parents who adopt older children encounter, that is not to say we don't have areas of improvement.
One of these areas is my relationship with Asart. More specifically his need for Mommy. He bonded with Jimmy effortlessly and in a beautifully natural transition. Watching them is like watching two peas in a pod. If you were to only describe them by personality, not physical traits, you would be certain they had the same blood running through their veins. So much alike they are, it is uncanny and remarkable, and really quite amazing if you think about it.
But, for Asart and I the bonding process, the building of trust, the ease with which he approaches Daddy and not yet Mommy, are always at the forefront of my mind. Ways in which to blossom this Mother-Son relationship are constantly swirling through my head.
I cherish the times we have together, where he and I kind of have "our thing". One of those is homework. I help him with this, and I love seeing his progress. Also when I drive the boys to school in the morning Asart is my co-pilot. He looks at speed limit signs, then at the speedometer and lets me know when I need to speed up, "go forty Mom" , "Change lanes Mom" , "Ahbie, Mom is driving she can't look", and then we have our Banana Car and Slug Bug ritual in that each time he sees one he gives me a high five instead of the sock-it-to-ya kind of punches the boys delight in. These are our things and I love them.
This past Sunday quite a remarkable thing happened in our home. Asart asked me if I wanted to watch football with him. Not Soccer Futball but American Football, which he is now completely obsessed with. It is important to note that Asart doesn't really "invite me" to do anything, so this was huge. I immediately dropped all that I was doing and took my seat beside him on the sofa. He started telling me different things going on, "dass a field goal mom" , "only 4 minutes 20 seconds mom" , "he got a touchdown mom", etc. I adored the way he took pride in "teaching" me what he knew and I tried to soak in every last bit of it. It felt so good to be included. We had been watching for about 30 minutes when I noticed he moved closer to my side. Then he slowly, like half an inch at a time slowly, rested his head on my shoulder - and he left it there. Then he started asking me things like which team I liked the best, do I like football, and other random questions that helped him get to know me a little better.
It was magical, it was huge, it was something he had never done before. I always initiate our affection, to which he doesn't object per-se, more sort of tolerates it.
We watched the entire game together, and save for the first 30 minutes, his head rested on my shoulder and he soaked up the feeling of having a Mommy on which to rest his head.
I love this boy infinitely. Every little step he takes is like a birth, he becomes new, again and again and again.
Thank You God for this treasure who is my Son, he is priceless.
Grrr...That Darn Mommy Guilt
I have found with this second adoption that it is nothing like the first, and it makes me sad.
Today I have been thinking about our baby Girls, on the other side of the globe. What they might be doing, how they might be feeling, what are they wearing, are they hungry, are they laughing. But sadly this is not always the case.
With our Boys every second was consumed with thoughts of them. Literally my first thought in the morning and last thought before falling asleep was of them. I stared at their pictures for hours at a time. I shopped and shopped, and obsessed over their room. I watched every "Gotcha Day" video on you tube, again and again. It never ended.
I feel a lot of guilt over this, that I am not obsessing, shopping, decorating their room, staring at their pictures for hours on end. I try to tell myself that this is normal. That right now my priority needs to be the boys, they are here, they need me on a daily basis, and it would be tragic if I obsessed right now over the girls the way I did with the boys. But that doesn't make me feel better. It is the never-ending cycle of guilt that comes along with being a Mommy I suppose.
So today was a welcome change. As Ahbie and I decorated for Christmas, and he sang songs in Amharic or Mejanger, I felt such peace and my thoughts traveled to my little ones so far away. I couldn't help but wonder with excitement what this time next year will look like. I wondered if my sweet loves would be so eager to sing for me, just as my Ahbie does, only in their precious little girl voices. As I hung up the stockings, I smiled at the thought of adding two more next year. As I put the lights on the tree I got butterflies thinking about how delightful it will be to see their faces when they see Christmas lights for he first time, and what it will feel like to hear their excited squeals of laughter as they run through the house. There is nothing quite so soothing as the pitter patter of little feet.
I try to be in the moment, but for me, it seems, being in the moment permits me to only think about one or the other. I need to find balance with this and I think today was a good start.
Today I have been thinking about our baby Girls, on the other side of the globe. What they might be doing, how they might be feeling, what are they wearing, are they hungry, are they laughing. But sadly this is not always the case.
With our Boys every second was consumed with thoughts of them. Literally my first thought in the morning and last thought before falling asleep was of them. I stared at their pictures for hours at a time. I shopped and shopped, and obsessed over their room. I watched every "Gotcha Day" video on you tube, again and again. It never ended.
I feel a lot of guilt over this, that I am not obsessing, shopping, decorating their room, staring at their pictures for hours on end. I try to tell myself that this is normal. That right now my priority needs to be the boys, they are here, they need me on a daily basis, and it would be tragic if I obsessed right now over the girls the way I did with the boys. But that doesn't make me feel better. It is the never-ending cycle of guilt that comes along with being a Mommy I suppose.
So today was a welcome change. As Ahbie and I decorated for Christmas, and he sang songs in Amharic or Mejanger, I felt such peace and my thoughts traveled to my little ones so far away. I couldn't help but wonder with excitement what this time next year will look like. I wondered if my sweet loves would be so eager to sing for me, just as my Ahbie does, only in their precious little girl voices. As I hung up the stockings, I smiled at the thought of adding two more next year. As I put the lights on the tree I got butterflies thinking about how delightful it will be to see their faces when they see Christmas lights for he first time, and what it will feel like to hear their excited squeals of laughter as they run through the house. There is nothing quite so soothing as the pitter patter of little feet.
I try to be in the moment, but for me, it seems, being in the moment permits me to only think about one or the other. I need to find balance with this and I think today was a good start.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Noah
His name is Noah, and he is their Father. A man aged well beyond his years, the toll of a hard life written all over his weather-worn but other-wise proud yet humble face. I see my Asart in him, their eyes, their lips, and their reserved quiet demeanor. And then there is that unmistakable smile they share, one in which lights up an entire room. This is their Father, the man who raised them to be the fine, obedient, loving, respectful, kind and gentle spirits they are today. I respect him for his sacrifice, I grieve for him the loss he must feel in his heart. I am proud of him for making the very long and difficult three day journey from his home in Gambella to the far away city of Addis Ababa to meet for only one hour, the family that shall take over where he was forced, due to circumstances we cannot imagine, to relinquish these two angels. He did not have to come, he could have said no, yet he didn't. He came, and for this we know more about the history of our Sons then we ever could have. I love him for loving his Sons enough to pass on this small piece of their life, one that they will be able to hold on to forever. He is wearing his "Sunday best" and I am touched by this.
He tells us their Mothers name is Maria and they met when she was 15. They both loved singing and together they sung in their Church choir. They had four children, all boys. They always lived in Gambella. He is a farmer. His Maria passed a short 2 years ago of a common illness that is easily treated and cured in America, but devastating to this third world country. I hear this and it makes me angry, I cry, and we tell him how sorry we are. He thanks us. He is so soft spoken, humble, so similar to my Asart. I do not see a lot of Abrehem in him. The three of them do have the same eyes, but Abrehems personality must come from Maria. Always smiling, cheerful, outgoing, and funny. I wish I could have known her, I'll bet then I would see him in her, just as I see Asart in Noah.
He wishes for his Sons a good education. He prays that they will one day come back and help their family, and their Country. He says he wants pictures as they grow up, and we will honor that, sending as many as we can.
My Sons are present and silent the entire time. Asart is looking down at his feet and Abrehem steadily looks at me, the entire time. We ask them if they would like to spend some time with their Dad, they both say "no". They are relieved when the meeting is over and I got the sense they wanted to get back to their "new" life as quickly as possible. There are many hugs between Jimmy, Noah and I. Not so many between Father and Sons. He shakes their hands to say goodbye, and they are OK with this. I don't know if it is cultural to be so emotionally withdrawn, or a foregone conclusion given they have seen him only once in more than a year. When they are older and able to tell us their story, through their eyes, I hope to have an answer to this.
We all go outside and Jimmy and the Boys start up a game of Soccer. Standing on the steps behind them, watching, are Noah, and the two men who traveled with him. He is smiling as he watches, and he seems at peace with what has happened. I watch from across the way as the Boys play happily with Daddy, while their Father stands just feet away in the background watching. It is surreal to see this, yet here it is, playing out right before my eyes.
I am numbed by this experience. I am so grateful for it. It is one more experience I have shared with my Sons, and they are old enough to remember it. I have no doubt it shall be a conversation we will revisit time and again as they get older. The pictures will be preserved and the boys will have them at their fingertips should they choose to view them. The same care will be given to the video which is of our meeting from the very beginning to the very end. Now they not only have pictures to remind them of what he looks like, but they get to hear his voice, hear his words, and see his mannerisms should they have the desire to.
There are but a few moments in life that are truly priceless....This was one of them...
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I'm in business!!!!!
OK faithful friends and family I have officially opened my Etsy shop. I only have three items posted but please continue to check back often for new inventory!!!
You can get to my shop at http://www.jelloyellow.etsy.com/
Happy Shopping!!!!!
You can get to my shop at http://www.jelloyellow.etsy.com/
Happy Shopping!!!!!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Beautiful Girl
I love my Kennedy for a million different reasons. I am so excited that this year she is graduating. We ordered Graduation accouncements, cap and gown etc the other day...Can't wait to get them!!!! I picked up her Senior Pictures today, and I have to say, my baby girl is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
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