As I wait for word on our Court Date I have days where I am so impatient with this process. Why does it seem to take so ever-loving long? Why can't I have my Girls home NOW? It goes on-and on-and on.....
So today I took a step back and gained some much needed perspective....
It is February 13, 2012...In little more then eight to ten weeks I will have my Daughters in my arms, never again letting them go. Orphans no more.
Eight.To.Ten.Weeks.
We officially started this process in December, so the reality of knowing that within four to five months from that time (possibly sooner) I will be Mommy to two more Little Beauties is really quite unbelievable.
What am I complaining about?
Shame on me, when there are others who have been waiting years with still no end in site.
But worse, shame on me for complaining when the reaity my Girls live daily is beyond anything I can even comprehend.
For me it is eight to ten weeks of having something to look forward to, something to go to. My destination is filled with light and joy. For my babies it is eight to ten more weeks of loss, of being away from all they ever knew. Every day is one more day without their Mommy, without their Daddy. One more day of no one one to love them as only a family can. For them ten weeks time translates to deeper loss. There hearts have no destination, darkness is all they know of their future.
They haven't an inkling of what their life will look like four months from now. Instead they live in a daily state of limbo, not knowing from one minute to the next if they will remain where they are, or be whisked off to another location, in another strange place, with another strange language, and a bunch of strangers surrounding them. It is impossible to imagine their terror. Although it may not be exhibited by them on a daily basis, it is there.
For them there is no end in site. They do not have the luxury of knowing that they do actually have a Family chomping at the bit to hold them in our arms, to embrace them and quench their parched souls with unending love.
Perspective is this...
As I decorate their room with a smile on my face, giddy with excitement, they sleep, often two to a bed, that is nothing more then a worn piece of foam, sharing a blanket as thin as can be, and if they are lucky, something to create a make-shift pillow. As I buy their pretty girl clothes, looking for hair bows and headbands to match, they will sleep in same clothes they have worn for two days, which most likely consist of pajama bottoms intended for a toddler and a little boys shirt, or worse, a toddlers onesie-turned-shirt for an eight year old with the snaps just covering her belly button. As I lay in bed at night and think about all of the ways I am going to love them and delight in how much they are going to add to our family, their thoughts are on the loss of their family, and all things familiar.
I get to anticipate the joy to come and share this excitement and new season of our life with my Husband, while they are saddled with grieving the heart-wrenching loss that has been thrust upon them, alone.
Perspective is a necessary thing.
No more days of impatient waiting, instead, when that feeling comes on I will turn that energy into prayers for my babies. Prayers for their hearts to be soothed, for their fears to abate, for there to be a tiny seed planted in their soul that says "you will have a mommy and daddy again, you are loved by many, you will never again have to face the trials of life alone, hang in their little one God is good"
And this will be my anthem from now until they are in my loves embrace:
This is the last February 13 they will spend without a family.
This Valentines Day will be the last they will spend without a family.
Their birthdays, which passed two months ago, will be the last they spend without a family.
When March 1st comes, it will be the last March 1st they spend at an Orphanage.
Every day up until we have them in our arms will be a last for them because when these dates roll around again next year their life will be, God willing, full of abundant love and joy.
Thank you God for perspective, You always know just what I need. Please keep my babies close to you, they need your love and comfort just as they need the air to breathe. Love them in my absence Lord, and please help me to have the strength and wisdom I need to make it through this wait with your intended perspective......Amen..Amen...and Amen
May I walk in grace always...
Monday, February 13, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
....and so we wait
Today we got a call that finally made me feel as if we are making some forward progress with our second adoption. Our Dossier is headed to Washington DC...finally....It will be in Washington DC for about a week (God willing less then that) and then sent directly to Ethiopia where it will be translated and we will be submitted for a court date.
I am hopeful we will hear of a court date within the next 4-5 weeks. I am secretly wishing for a March court date but realistically it probably wont come until April.
April is a good month though for a couple of reasons...Jimmy's birthday is in April, and our court date for Oz and Ahbie was April 27, 2010...We met our boys on Easter Sunday last year.
This year Easter falls on April 8th and I smile at the thought of God leading us to our daughters on the same blessed day as he did our Sons just one year ago.
This of course is only wishful thinking, but I hold on to whatever bit of excitement I can, as the waiting at times is exhausting.
I am hopeful we will hear of a court date within the next 4-5 weeks. I am secretly wishing for a March court date but realistically it probably wont come until April.
April is a good month though for a couple of reasons...Jimmy's birthday is in April, and our court date for Oz and Ahbie was April 27, 2010...We met our boys on Easter Sunday last year.
This year Easter falls on April 8th and I smile at the thought of God leading us to our daughters on the same blessed day as he did our Sons just one year ago.
This of course is only wishful thinking, but I hold on to whatever bit of excitement I can, as the waiting at times is exhausting.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
A Priceless Treasure
It is always the small steps that are the biggest, at least on my home front. My Asart, my usually quiet, timid, hard to read little boy is starting to reveal himself more and more. He is starting to crave my love and affection, to actually want it and embrace it when given.
My Son is a puzzle of sorts. While I thank God endlessly that we have not yet had any of the big problems that some parents who adopt older children encounter, that is not to say we don't have areas of improvement.
One of these areas is my relationship with Asart. More specifically his need for Mommy. He bonded with Jimmy effortlessly and in a beautifully natural transition. Watching them is like watching two peas in a pod. If you were to only describe them by personality, not physical traits, you would be certain they had the same blood running through their veins. So much alike they are, it is uncanny and remarkable, and really quite amazing if you think about it.
But, for Asart and I the bonding process, the building of trust, the ease with which he approaches Daddy and not yet Mommy, are always at the forefront of my mind. Ways in which to blossom this Mother-Son relationship are constantly swirling through my head.
I cherish the times we have together, where he and I kind of have "our thing". One of those is homework. I help him with this, and I love seeing his progress. Also when I drive the boys to school in the morning Asart is my co-pilot. He looks at speed limit signs, then at the speedometer and lets me know when I need to speed up, "go forty Mom" , "Change lanes Mom" , "Ahbie, Mom is driving she can't look", and then we have our Banana Car and Slug Bug ritual in that each time he sees one he gives me a high five instead of the sock-it-to-ya kind of punches the boys delight in. These are our things and I love them.
This past Sunday quite a remarkable thing happened in our home. Asart asked me if I wanted to watch football with him. Not Soccer Futball but American Football, which he is now completely obsessed with. It is important to note that Asart doesn't really "invite me" to do anything, so this was huge. I immediately dropped all that I was doing and took my seat beside him on the sofa. He started telling me different things going on, "dass a field goal mom" , "only 4 minutes 20 seconds mom" , "he got a touchdown mom", etc. I adored the way he took pride in "teaching" me what he knew and I tried to soak in every last bit of it. It felt so good to be included. We had been watching for about 30 minutes when I noticed he moved closer to my side. Then he slowly, like half an inch at a time slowly, rested his head on my shoulder - and he left it there. Then he started asking me things like which team I liked the best, do I like football, and other random questions that helped him get to know me a little better.
It was magical, it was huge, it was something he had never done before. I always initiate our affection, to which he doesn't object per-se, more sort of tolerates it.
We watched the entire game together, and save for the first 30 minutes, his head rested on my shoulder and he soaked up the feeling of having a Mommy on which to rest his head.
I love this boy infinitely. Every little step he takes is like a birth, he becomes new, again and again and again.
Thank You God for this treasure who is my Son, he is priceless.
My Son is a puzzle of sorts. While I thank God endlessly that we have not yet had any of the big problems that some parents who adopt older children encounter, that is not to say we don't have areas of improvement.
One of these areas is my relationship with Asart. More specifically his need for Mommy. He bonded with Jimmy effortlessly and in a beautifully natural transition. Watching them is like watching two peas in a pod. If you were to only describe them by personality, not physical traits, you would be certain they had the same blood running through their veins. So much alike they are, it is uncanny and remarkable, and really quite amazing if you think about it.
But, for Asart and I the bonding process, the building of trust, the ease with which he approaches Daddy and not yet Mommy, are always at the forefront of my mind. Ways in which to blossom this Mother-Son relationship are constantly swirling through my head.
I cherish the times we have together, where he and I kind of have "our thing". One of those is homework. I help him with this, and I love seeing his progress. Also when I drive the boys to school in the morning Asart is my co-pilot. He looks at speed limit signs, then at the speedometer and lets me know when I need to speed up, "go forty Mom" , "Change lanes Mom" , "Ahbie, Mom is driving she can't look", and then we have our Banana Car and Slug Bug ritual in that each time he sees one he gives me a high five instead of the sock-it-to-ya kind of punches the boys delight in. These are our things and I love them.
This past Sunday quite a remarkable thing happened in our home. Asart asked me if I wanted to watch football with him. Not Soccer Futball but American Football, which he is now completely obsessed with. It is important to note that Asart doesn't really "invite me" to do anything, so this was huge. I immediately dropped all that I was doing and took my seat beside him on the sofa. He started telling me different things going on, "dass a field goal mom" , "only 4 minutes 20 seconds mom" , "he got a touchdown mom", etc. I adored the way he took pride in "teaching" me what he knew and I tried to soak in every last bit of it. It felt so good to be included. We had been watching for about 30 minutes when I noticed he moved closer to my side. Then he slowly, like half an inch at a time slowly, rested his head on my shoulder - and he left it there. Then he started asking me things like which team I liked the best, do I like football, and other random questions that helped him get to know me a little better.
It was magical, it was huge, it was something he had never done before. I always initiate our affection, to which he doesn't object per-se, more sort of tolerates it.
We watched the entire game together, and save for the first 30 minutes, his head rested on my shoulder and he soaked up the feeling of having a Mommy on which to rest his head.
I love this boy infinitely. Every little step he takes is like a birth, he becomes new, again and again and again.
Thank You God for this treasure who is my Son, he is priceless.
Grrr...That Darn Mommy Guilt
I have found with this second adoption that it is nothing like the first, and it makes me sad.
Today I have been thinking about our baby Girls, on the other side of the globe. What they might be doing, how they might be feeling, what are they wearing, are they hungry, are they laughing. But sadly this is not always the case.
With our Boys every second was consumed with thoughts of them. Literally my first thought in the morning and last thought before falling asleep was of them. I stared at their pictures for hours at a time. I shopped and shopped, and obsessed over their room. I watched every "Gotcha Day" video on you tube, again and again. It never ended.
I feel a lot of guilt over this, that I am not obsessing, shopping, decorating their room, staring at their pictures for hours on end. I try to tell myself that this is normal. That right now my priority needs to be the boys, they are here, they need me on a daily basis, and it would be tragic if I obsessed right now over the girls the way I did with the boys. But that doesn't make me feel better. It is the never-ending cycle of guilt that comes along with being a Mommy I suppose.
So today was a welcome change. As Ahbie and I decorated for Christmas, and he sang songs in Amharic or Mejanger, I felt such peace and my thoughts traveled to my little ones so far away. I couldn't help but wonder with excitement what this time next year will look like. I wondered if my sweet loves would be so eager to sing for me, just as my Ahbie does, only in their precious little girl voices. As I hung up the stockings, I smiled at the thought of adding two more next year. As I put the lights on the tree I got butterflies thinking about how delightful it will be to see their faces when they see Christmas lights for he first time, and what it will feel like to hear their excited squeals of laughter as they run through the house. There is nothing quite so soothing as the pitter patter of little feet.
I try to be in the moment, but for me, it seems, being in the moment permits me to only think about one or the other. I need to find balance with this and I think today was a good start.
Today I have been thinking about our baby Girls, on the other side of the globe. What they might be doing, how they might be feeling, what are they wearing, are they hungry, are they laughing. But sadly this is not always the case.
With our Boys every second was consumed with thoughts of them. Literally my first thought in the morning and last thought before falling asleep was of them. I stared at their pictures for hours at a time. I shopped and shopped, and obsessed over their room. I watched every "Gotcha Day" video on you tube, again and again. It never ended.
I feel a lot of guilt over this, that I am not obsessing, shopping, decorating their room, staring at their pictures for hours on end. I try to tell myself that this is normal. That right now my priority needs to be the boys, they are here, they need me on a daily basis, and it would be tragic if I obsessed right now over the girls the way I did with the boys. But that doesn't make me feel better. It is the never-ending cycle of guilt that comes along with being a Mommy I suppose.
So today was a welcome change. As Ahbie and I decorated for Christmas, and he sang songs in Amharic or Mejanger, I felt such peace and my thoughts traveled to my little ones so far away. I couldn't help but wonder with excitement what this time next year will look like. I wondered if my sweet loves would be so eager to sing for me, just as my Ahbie does, only in their precious little girl voices. As I hung up the stockings, I smiled at the thought of adding two more next year. As I put the lights on the tree I got butterflies thinking about how delightful it will be to see their faces when they see Christmas lights for he first time, and what it will feel like to hear their excited squeals of laughter as they run through the house. There is nothing quite so soothing as the pitter patter of little feet.
I try to be in the moment, but for me, it seems, being in the moment permits me to only think about one or the other. I need to find balance with this and I think today was a good start.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Noah
His name is Noah, and he is their Father. A man aged well beyond his years, the toll of a hard life written all over his weather-worn but other-wise proud yet humble face. I see my Asart in him, their eyes, their lips, and their reserved quiet demeanor. And then there is that unmistakable smile they share, one in which lights up an entire room. This is their Father, the man who raised them to be the fine, obedient, loving, respectful, kind and gentle spirits they are today. I respect him for his sacrifice, I grieve for him the loss he must feel in his heart. I am proud of him for making the very long and difficult three day journey from his home in Gambella to the far away city of Addis Ababa to meet for only one hour, the family that shall take over where he was forced, due to circumstances we cannot imagine, to relinquish these two angels. He did not have to come, he could have said no, yet he didn't. He came, and for this we know more about the history of our Sons then we ever could have. I love him for loving his Sons enough to pass on this small piece of their life, one that they will be able to hold on to forever. He is wearing his "Sunday best" and I am touched by this.
He tells us their Mothers name is Maria and they met when she was 15. They both loved singing and together they sung in their Church choir. They had four children, all boys. They always lived in Gambella. He is a farmer. His Maria passed a short 2 years ago of a common illness that is easily treated and cured in America, but devastating to this third world country. I hear this and it makes me angry, I cry, and we tell him how sorry we are. He thanks us. He is so soft spoken, humble, so similar to my Asart. I do not see a lot of Abrehem in him. The three of them do have the same eyes, but Abrehems personality must come from Maria. Always smiling, cheerful, outgoing, and funny. I wish I could have known her, I'll bet then I would see him in her, just as I see Asart in Noah.
He wishes for his Sons a good education. He prays that they will one day come back and help their family, and their Country. He says he wants pictures as they grow up, and we will honor that, sending as many as we can.
My Sons are present and silent the entire time. Asart is looking down at his feet and Abrehem steadily looks at me, the entire time. We ask them if they would like to spend some time with their Dad, they both say "no". They are relieved when the meeting is over and I got the sense they wanted to get back to their "new" life as quickly as possible. There are many hugs between Jimmy, Noah and I. Not so many between Father and Sons. He shakes their hands to say goodbye, and they are OK with this. I don't know if it is cultural to be so emotionally withdrawn, or a foregone conclusion given they have seen him only once in more than a year. When they are older and able to tell us their story, through their eyes, I hope to have an answer to this.
We all go outside and Jimmy and the Boys start up a game of Soccer. Standing on the steps behind them, watching, are Noah, and the two men who traveled with him. He is smiling as he watches, and he seems at peace with what has happened. I watch from across the way as the Boys play happily with Daddy, while their Father stands just feet away in the background watching. It is surreal to see this, yet here it is, playing out right before my eyes.
I am numbed by this experience. I am so grateful for it. It is one more experience I have shared with my Sons, and they are old enough to remember it. I have no doubt it shall be a conversation we will revisit time and again as they get older. The pictures will be preserved and the boys will have them at their fingertips should they choose to view them. The same care will be given to the video which is of our meeting from the very beginning to the very end. Now they not only have pictures to remind them of what he looks like, but they get to hear his voice, hear his words, and see his mannerisms should they have the desire to.
There are but a few moments in life that are truly priceless....This was one of them...
Friday, November 11, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I'm in business!!!!!
OK faithful friends and family I have officially opened my Etsy shop. I only have three items posted but please continue to check back often for new inventory!!!
You can get to my shop at http://www.jelloyellow.etsy.com/
Happy Shopping!!!!!
You can get to my shop at http://www.jelloyellow.etsy.com/
Happy Shopping!!!!!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Beautiful Girl
I love my Kennedy for a million different reasons. I am so excited that this year she is graduating. We ordered Graduation accouncements, cap and gown etc the other day...Can't wait to get them!!!! I picked up her Senior Pictures today, and I have to say, my baby girl is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Conversations with Oz and Ahbie part 1
As Oz and Ahbie expand their English vocabulary conversations with them, as well as conversations between the two of them, are nothing short of priceless. In order to keep track of all of the great things they say I am going to keep a running blog each week, and post it every Monday.
I meant to start this on Monday, but it was Halloween and time was not on my side...So I will post my first one today, Tuesday, with the goal of posting them on Mondays going forward.
Enjoy!!!!
Lying in bed Oz is still talking...So Ahbie says:
Ahbie: Oz be quiet
Oz: I am a man you no tell me to be quiet
I am driving in the car with Ahbie I say:
Mommy: Oh really, that's nice
Ahbie: Mom I'm seriously
The Boys are watching a show on TV and Oz says:
Oz: That guy he is running to slow
Ahbie: Uh that is called slow motion Oz
Laying Ahbie down for his nap we are talking about the snow that will come:
Ahbie: I love my snow, it is my Son
We are driving in the car and from the back seat I hear:
Oz: Who is farting?
Ahbie: Dass me
Oz: Ahbie I say don't fart in the car it is stinky
Ahbie: No stinky Oz, smell good see
Ahbie is trying to tell Daddy something and he doesn't understand:
Ahbie: Dad, you no listen, your ears no working
We are watching soccer on TV and Oz is routing for his team:
Oz: SHOOT, SHOOT THE BALL
Ahbie: Oz they no can hear you
Ahbies new favorite phrase:
Ahbie: Check it out
Driving in the car with the Boys, Ahbie wants to show me he ate all of his popcorn:
Ahbie: Mom look
Oz: Ahbie Mom no look back she is driving, if look back she will crash
Ahbie: Mommy has magic eyes, Mommy look back and no crash
Oz: No, I don't think so little man
Gracie barked at Ahbie, and Ahbie said this while wagging his finger at her:
Ahbie: Gracie, no bark at Ahbie, dass bery bad manners"
I meant to start this on Monday, but it was Halloween and time was not on my side...So I will post my first one today, Tuesday, with the goal of posting them on Mondays going forward.
Enjoy!!!!
Lying in bed Oz is still talking...So Ahbie says:
Ahbie: Oz be quiet
Oz: I am a man you no tell me to be quiet
I am driving in the car with Ahbie I say:
Mommy: Oh really, that's nice
Ahbie: Mom I'm seriously
The Boys are watching a show on TV and Oz says:
Oz: That guy he is running to slow
Ahbie: Uh that is called slow motion Oz
Laying Ahbie down for his nap we are talking about the snow that will come:
Ahbie: I love my snow, it is my Son
We are driving in the car and from the back seat I hear:
Oz: Who is farting?
Ahbie: Dass me
Oz: Ahbie I say don't fart in the car it is stinky
Ahbie: No stinky Oz, smell good see
Ahbie is trying to tell Daddy something and he doesn't understand:
Ahbie: Dad, you no listen, your ears no working
We are watching soccer on TV and Oz is routing for his team:
Oz: SHOOT, SHOOT THE BALL
Ahbie: Oz they no can hear you
Ahbie: Check it out
Driving in the car with the Boys, Ahbie wants to show me he ate all of his popcorn:
Ahbie: Mom look
Oz: Ahbie Mom no look back she is driving, if look back she will crash
Ahbie: Mommy has magic eyes, Mommy look back and no crash
Oz: No, I don't think so little man
Gracie barked at Ahbie, and Ahbie said this while wagging his finger at her:
Ahbie: Gracie, no bark at Ahbie, dass bery bad manners"
Sunday, October 30, 2011
PuMpKiN CaRvInG
We had a really fun time today carving pumpkins...This, of course, is the first Halloween for Oz and Ahbie and they were excited to dig in. The past few years we have not carved pumpkins, with the kids getting older it just wasn't something any of us wanted to do. Now with Lil Man and Lil Man 2 we are all seeing things through their eyes, and it is a lot of fun.
I actually got Oz on camera smiling (he does NOT like the whole picture thing) which makes me happy, Ahbie didn't care to much for the "feel" of the pumpkin innards, and KK and Ry had a fun time coming up with their own designs.
I enjoyed roasted pumpkin seeds, which, as it turns out, are really yummy and really addictive.
Happy Halloween to all!!!
I actually got Oz on camera smiling (he does NOT like the whole picture thing) which makes me happy, Ahbie didn't care to much for the "feel" of the pumpkin innards, and KK and Ry had a fun time coming up with their own designs.
I enjoyed roasted pumpkin seeds, which, as it turns out, are really yummy and really addictive.
Happy Halloween to all!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A Rite of Passage
There are several things that come to mind when I think about momentous "rites of passage" for children as they grow up. For Girls it is getting their ears pierced, wearing a hint of make-up, and picking out their first, dare I say it, bra....I remember when I got my ears pierced. I was in third grade, I went to Fairview Elementary School, my teacher was Mr Lucero, and I lived at 7219 Grant Street.
My Mom told me that if I had a good report card my hard work would be rewarded with getting my ears pierced. OMG!!! You mean I was finally going to be like the other girls? Maybe now I can make some friends, because you know, girls are caddy that way. No ears pierced? No friendship. Ears pierced BFF for life!!! Like Oh My God (in my best valley girl voice)!!!!
I was so excited, my stomach did flip-flops each time I thought about it. I remember how much I focused, how hard I tried to memorize my math facts, that I was quizzed on by Mr Lucero, he on one side of the desk me on the other.
And then the day came...The report card came out...Funny how I can remember the smallest of details leading up to this point but I don't remember what my report card was, only that it must have been good because I did get my ears pierced. I couldn't tell you where, I couldn't tell you what my first earrings were, or even if it gained me any friends. But the anticipation of that moment, that build-up of knowing that soon I was going to be "a big girl" will forever be burned in my memory.
OK, so that was the long way of getting to Oz and Ahbies rite of passage today....They went with Daddy to the store to return some shoes. They were gone for a while, longer then it should have taken to return shoes, but when they got home I understood why...
Ahbie came into the kitchen holding a bag with a smile on his face that was an equal mixture of excitement and pride. I asked him what's in the bag and he ever so slowly, making sure to be painstakingly careful with his most prized possession, finally revealed a......REMOTE CONTROL CAR.......Yes folks, remote control cars are a rite of passage for any Boy, just ask one...He could hardly control his excitement now that the box was out of the bag, he wanted that car and he wanted it right that second.
As I was working on releasing Ahbies car from the confines of 800 twist ties, tape, and screws, Oz came in with his bag. Now, Oz is older, he is 10, and very much wants to play the part of a mature 10 year old boy. You see, he's no "baby" like Ahbie. Oz reminds me of my Sister Cathy who every Christmas morning while the rest of us tore through our Christmas presents she would slowly unwrap each gift, not wanting to tear the paper. Oz starts to open his box, removing the tape, etc. We pull it out and he holds it. He wants to smile but that wouldn't be something a 10 year old boy does, so he very grown-up like, tells me that we need to put in the batteries and shows me where. I tell him how many we need and he counts them out for me, handing me each one. He watches me, making sure I am doing it just right. And then, finally it is ready to go...
He takes a minute to look at it, then sets it on the floor, finally he smiles, the excitement is to much to bear and he lets it tear across the floor. Oh yeah, he is all boy...He and Ahbie chase each other's cars, laughing, and creating a memory that, hopefully, they will remember for long, long time...Brothers experiencing the thrill of their first remote control cars, together....This is a rite of passage that leaves me feeling blessed to have been a part of.
Life is good here at Casa De Martinez....Thank you God....
My Mom told me that if I had a good report card my hard work would be rewarded with getting my ears pierced. OMG!!! You mean I was finally going to be like the other girls? Maybe now I can make some friends, because you know, girls are caddy that way. No ears pierced? No friendship. Ears pierced BFF for life!!! Like Oh My God (in my best valley girl voice)!!!!
I was so excited, my stomach did flip-flops each time I thought about it. I remember how much I focused, how hard I tried to memorize my math facts, that I was quizzed on by Mr Lucero, he on one side of the desk me on the other.
And then the day came...The report card came out...Funny how I can remember the smallest of details leading up to this point but I don't remember what my report card was, only that it must have been good because I did get my ears pierced. I couldn't tell you where, I couldn't tell you what my first earrings were, or even if it gained me any friends. But the anticipation of that moment, that build-up of knowing that soon I was going to be "a big girl" will forever be burned in my memory.
OK, so that was the long way of getting to Oz and Ahbies rite of passage today....They went with Daddy to the store to return some shoes. They were gone for a while, longer then it should have taken to return shoes, but when they got home I understood why...
Ahbie came into the kitchen holding a bag with a smile on his face that was an equal mixture of excitement and pride. I asked him what's in the bag and he ever so slowly, making sure to be painstakingly careful with his most prized possession, finally revealed a......REMOTE CONTROL CAR.......Yes folks, remote control cars are a rite of passage for any Boy, just ask one...He could hardly control his excitement now that the box was out of the bag, he wanted that car and he wanted it right that second.
As I was working on releasing Ahbies car from the confines of 800 twist ties, tape, and screws, Oz came in with his bag. Now, Oz is older, he is 10, and very much wants to play the part of a mature 10 year old boy. You see, he's no "baby" like Ahbie. Oz reminds me of my Sister Cathy who every Christmas morning while the rest of us tore through our Christmas presents she would slowly unwrap each gift, not wanting to tear the paper. Oz starts to open his box, removing the tape, etc. We pull it out and he holds it. He wants to smile but that wouldn't be something a 10 year old boy does, so he very grown-up like, tells me that we need to put in the batteries and shows me where. I tell him how many we need and he counts them out for me, handing me each one. He watches me, making sure I am doing it just right. And then, finally it is ready to go...
He takes a minute to look at it, then sets it on the floor, finally he smiles, the excitement is to much to bear and he lets it tear across the floor. Oh yeah, he is all boy...He and Ahbie chase each other's cars, laughing, and creating a memory that, hopefully, they will remember for long, long time...Brothers experiencing the thrill of their first remote control cars, together....This is a rite of passage that leaves me feeling blessed to have been a part of.
Life is good here at Casa De Martinez....Thank you God....
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Our Beautiful Girls
Until that time comes let me just say they are beautiful, stunning actually, and can't wait to meet them.
This second adoption is very different from the first, much like a first time mother who is pregnant. As much as you want to enjoy it the first time around, you are so concerned about every particular thing that you can't just focus on the joy of the pregnancy...This is how I was with the first one. The unknown was all-consuming. Calls to our coordinator with questions were constant...But, now, we have been there, done that, and I truly get to just sit back and enjoy my "pregnancy".
I realize when my daughters come home they will be older, but for me I feel like they are tiny embryos in my belly and in only a matter of months my day of giving birth will arrive. I will meet them for the very first time, count their fingers and their toes, hear their voices and God willing the sound of their little girl giggles. I will feel their tiny little frames enveloped in my arms. I will kiss their foreheads, their cheeks, their little hands. I will look at them, taking in all that they are, and all that they one day shall become. I will, on that day, become a Mommy again. There is nothing more miraculous then this.
It is a pregnancy of a different sort, but a pregnancy none-the-less.
Thank you my amazing God for blessing me with two more beautiful angels, your precious angels, who are in desparate need of a Mommy and Daddy, Brothers and a Sister, Dogs and Cats, and endless, unconditional forever love. Thank you for challenging me to keep my faith and to stay the course that I "thought" was right, and that you "knew" was right, all along. You are my strength, my God, and I pray that you keep my girls safe, that you wrap your loving arms around them, and that you plant a seed in their hearts that assures them Mommy and Daddy will be there soon, and they will never again be alone.
Amen and Amen and Amen
Friday, October 14, 2011
Faith, you either have it or you don't
Tonight is one of those tossing and turning, mind wont shut off despite the exhaustion, nights...So I write, and hopefully I can sleep after.
Without going into specifics, today I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach. I have not yet been able to catch my breath and the threat of nausea is becoming harder and harder to keep at bay. I feel frantic, like I need to climb to the highest mountain top and pull some magical answers out of some magical place that exists, unfortunately, only in my head. I want something, and I want it so bad I can feel it burn through my body from the tips of my toes to the tip-top of my head. As a girl who has been known to be a bit of a control freak in certain situations, I need to feel as if I can control this as well. Unfortunately I can't.
This is where faith comes in for me. I cannot be a fair weather friend to faith. Embracing it and adoring it while in the midst of the good times and then forgetting about it when I want to assert my own control to try to make something happen. This is a concept I struggle with. And it is a vicious struggle, a fight in my mind and heart that rages on despite my attempts to tune it out.
I do believe faith trumps all. What I don't yet understand is, when does fighting for something you so desparately want start to outweigh the natural order of faith. I have always believed that God helps those who help themselves, is my fighting for something catching Gods attention, or is it having a total lack of faith that what is meant to be will happen.
Sigh....I wish I could call God and ask him....
I know every struggle, every heartbreak, every mountain to climb is an opportunity to grow and to learn something new. But I need a protein bar to make it up this mountain because this girl is tired and weary and heartsick....I guess my protein bar will have to be faith...Faith that as I put one foot in front of the other God is right beside me, smiling, knowing that when I make it to the top the reward will be more beautiful and incredible then I ever could have imagined. My heart knows this, I just wish my brain would catch up to my heart.
God, you are so good. I love and trust you infinitely. My faith in this plan is wavering but I know that with you all things are possible. I need only to trust in you and move forward with love, patience, compassion, and dignity. You shall see me through, for your plan is the only plan and my responsibility is to embrace it despite the unknown. Thank you God for loving me unconditionally, I know I must surely drive you crazy...I promise to stay strong and ask only that you be patient with me when I have a lapse in faith, I assure you it is only temporary. Amen and Amen and Amen
Without going into specifics, today I feel as if I have been kicked in the stomach. I have not yet been able to catch my breath and the threat of nausea is becoming harder and harder to keep at bay. I feel frantic, like I need to climb to the highest mountain top and pull some magical answers out of some magical place that exists, unfortunately, only in my head. I want something, and I want it so bad I can feel it burn through my body from the tips of my toes to the tip-top of my head. As a girl who has been known to be a bit of a control freak in certain situations, I need to feel as if I can control this as well. Unfortunately I can't.
This is where faith comes in for me. I cannot be a fair weather friend to faith. Embracing it and adoring it while in the midst of the good times and then forgetting about it when I want to assert my own control to try to make something happen. This is a concept I struggle with. And it is a vicious struggle, a fight in my mind and heart that rages on despite my attempts to tune it out.
I do believe faith trumps all. What I don't yet understand is, when does fighting for something you so desparately want start to outweigh the natural order of faith. I have always believed that God helps those who help themselves, is my fighting for something catching Gods attention, or is it having a total lack of faith that what is meant to be will happen.
Sigh....I wish I could call God and ask him....
I know every struggle, every heartbreak, every mountain to climb is an opportunity to grow and to learn something new. But I need a protein bar to make it up this mountain because this girl is tired and weary and heartsick....I guess my protein bar will have to be faith...Faith that as I put one foot in front of the other God is right beside me, smiling, knowing that when I make it to the top the reward will be more beautiful and incredible then I ever could have imagined. My heart knows this, I just wish my brain would catch up to my heart.
God, you are so good. I love and trust you infinitely. My faith in this plan is wavering but I know that with you all things are possible. I need only to trust in you and move forward with love, patience, compassion, and dignity. You shall see me through, for your plan is the only plan and my responsibility is to embrace it despite the unknown. Thank you God for loving me unconditionally, I know I must surely drive you crazy...I promise to stay strong and ask only that you be patient with me when I have a lapse in faith, I assure you it is only temporary. Amen and Amen and Amen
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Kennedy Nichole
As I carried in my womb each of my three biological children naming them was never a decision made lightly. I would discard names who's meanings did not seem to "match" the personality of the child I had not yet met. In the end, after much searching, discarding, contemplating, and trying on for size, the names I chose have fit each of them to a tee.
Kennedy = Helmeted Chief
Nichole = Ruler of People
My girl....My amazing, funny, beautiful, thoughtful, courageous, crazy, smart, determined, precious baby girl.....Your name could not have been more perfect; you command every aspect of it.
My pregnancy with you was the hardest. I had morning sickness, pre-term labor - 3 times - you kicked - HARD - you allowed me no sleep, and left me exhausted even before your beautiful face entered this world. I knew you were going to be a strong-willed individual, hence you needed a name to fit your personality.
No sooner were you born when your diva demands hit the scene....Wet your diaper only once, crying ensued and you had to be changed...Hold you even one degree off of what was your ideal comfort spot, crying ensued and mommy needed to adjust you, even if only half an inch...Drinking from a bottle? Yeah right, only the breast would do and you made sure everyone knew it...Colic....oh man, I don't need to explain to any mother (or father) the exhaustion of a colicky baby.
You pulled out all the stops my beautiful strong girl and I would not have had it any other way.
As you grew your unique personality grew with you. You were both exceptionally loving and exceptionally frustrating. I remember how you would look me in the eye and deliberately reach for something you knew you weren't supposed to touch...You did not have the language skills yet but that look in your eye said "Go ahead Mom, try to stop me....There I touched it, now what are you going to do?"
Oh my goodness those were challenging days. Your strong will was both a blessing and a maddening cruel joke played on me for all of the drama I put my parents through. But even in those moments, always in the back of my mind I was proud of your will, your spirit, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would never be the girl who was walked all over. There was and still is a great peace in my heart knowing that you (within reason) are able to take care of yourself.
Your early teenage years were fraught with hormonal outbursts that could rival the most insane patient in any psychiatric hospital. We more often then not did not see eye to eye. You went to sleep one girl and woke up a stranger. I often pleaded to God, "where did my girl go, and who is in her place?"
The more I tried to bend you (breaking you was not an option) the more rigid you became. The more I tried to reason with you the more unreasonable you became. It was hard my girl, so so hard. We had some fierce battles you and I, and then one day, just like that you went to sleep this stranger in my daughters body and woke up the girl I used to know, only different. You were happy again. You were engaged with the family, and actually enjoyed being around us. You were compassionate and thoughtful. You were calm and you had a wisdom about you. You had matured into a beautiful young Woman.
You work, you go to school, you help me around the house, you have this beautiful insite that is more often found in those much older then you.
I love you so much. I am so ridiculously proud of the Woman you are becoming, of the person you are. I respect your strength and ability to not take any nonsense from anybody. You will go far in life my girl and I feel so blessed to be your Mom.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Stay at home Momma...Is there a handbook??
I have always worked....My first job was at 12 or 13 delivering newspapers.I am now 39 (cringe) and last December I stopped working. If I do the math that means I have worked for 26 years. I enjoyed working, most of the time. I really enjoyed the freedom of having my own money, and I liked dressing for the corporate world....
I have been a "stay at home mom" for almost a year now. I still can't seem to find my groove. I have calendars and whiteboards that are supposed to keep me organized but the last time I checked my calendar was still on August and my whiteboards have been over-run by the writings of my kiddos. Note to self - I guess I actually have to use the calendar to make it effective.
My Husband says to designate certain days to do certain things. Laundry on Monday, Bathrooms on Tuesday, etc...Ha, that is so much easier said then done. I don't know why I can't get a grip on this but it is starting to make me really mad. After a while I begin to feel like my worth is based on how clean the house is, whether the laundry is done, was dinner on the table, are the boys pj's matching? and on...and on...and on...
The difficult thing for me about being a stay at home mom is that I am in my workplace 24/7...Which means that my "work" is being evaluated and critiqued 24/7...I remember working outside of the home and if I had a bad day and didn't feel like working I would just not work. I would spend time chatting with my employees, I would sometimes just it and stare at my computer screen while my mind wandered in a million different directions, I would talk to my Husband , my Mom, or any number of other personal phone calls. Then I would call it a day, my boss was none the wiser, and return to work the next day and get the job done. I can't have those days at home because the unfinished work is glaring at me, telling me in effect that I am a slacker, i'm not getting the job done....and this is life, day in and day out.
Except for the days when I wake up with a sudden burst of energy and tear through the house dusting, mopping, vacuuming, organizing closets, cleaning out the refrigerator, the pantry, washing, drying, and putting away every last stitch of clothing....Wow those days are good ones but so utterly unrealistic to maintain on a daily basis.
I am tired...Some days all I want to do is watch A Baby Story, What not to Wear, and Say yes to the dress...If I'm lucky I'll get to see a marathon of Mystery Diagnosis and wish that I were organized enough to keep a running tally of these strange and random illnesses that Dr's can never seem to figure out.
So what I really need is a handbook on how to be a stay at home mom...Perhaps after I get my act together I will write one, but in the meantime, if there is one out there I would be eternally grateful, as would my Husband, to anyone willing to share it with me.....
I have been a "stay at home mom" for almost a year now. I still can't seem to find my groove. I have calendars and whiteboards that are supposed to keep me organized but the last time I checked my calendar was still on August and my whiteboards have been over-run by the writings of my kiddos. Note to self - I guess I actually have to use the calendar to make it effective.
My Husband says to designate certain days to do certain things. Laundry on Monday, Bathrooms on Tuesday, etc...Ha, that is so much easier said then done. I don't know why I can't get a grip on this but it is starting to make me really mad. After a while I begin to feel like my worth is based on how clean the house is, whether the laundry is done, was dinner on the table, are the boys pj's matching? and on...and on...and on...
The difficult thing for me about being a stay at home mom is that I am in my workplace 24/7...Which means that my "work" is being evaluated and critiqued 24/7...I remember working outside of the home and if I had a bad day and didn't feel like working I would just not work. I would spend time chatting with my employees, I would sometimes just it and stare at my computer screen while my mind wandered in a million different directions, I would talk to my Husband , my Mom, or any number of other personal phone calls. Then I would call it a day, my boss was none the wiser, and return to work the next day and get the job done. I can't have those days at home because the unfinished work is glaring at me, telling me in effect that I am a slacker, i'm not getting the job done....and this is life, day in and day out.
Except for the days when I wake up with a sudden burst of energy and tear through the house dusting, mopping, vacuuming, organizing closets, cleaning out the refrigerator, the pantry, washing, drying, and putting away every last stitch of clothing....Wow those days are good ones but so utterly unrealistic to maintain on a daily basis.
I am tired...Some days all I want to do is watch A Baby Story, What not to Wear, and Say yes to the dress...If I'm lucky I'll get to see a marathon of Mystery Diagnosis and wish that I were organized enough to keep a running tally of these strange and random illnesses that Dr's can never seem to figure out.
So what I really need is a handbook on how to be a stay at home mom...Perhaps after I get my act together I will write one, but in the meantime, if there is one out there I would be eternally grateful, as would my Husband, to anyone willing to share it with me.....
Time for a change
I have seen this happen with several blogs and am excited to say I have finally reached this milestone too....My blog has been pretty much limited to our adoption of Oz and Ahbie...I have loved having this focus and am plaeased I did it this way....However, the time has come to eaxpand my blog to include all things family...This means no one in my crazy housesold is immune from my even crazier writings.
Confession: I tried to incorporate Shabby Blogs into this, as I am totally a shabby chic kind of girl, but my never-ending computer illiteracy has stopped me cold in my tracks. Grrr is all I can say, well I can (and did) say a little more then that but this is a G/PG blog so I wont dare repeat what came out of my mouth.
I am looking forward to branching out and writing about all things Family....This should be fun ;)
Confession: I tried to incorporate Shabby Blogs into this, as I am totally a shabby chic kind of girl, but my never-ending computer illiteracy has stopped me cold in my tracks. Grrr is all I can say, well I can (and did) say a little more then that but this is a G/PG blog so I wont dare repeat what came out of my mouth.
I am looking forward to branching out and writing about all things Family....This should be fun ;)
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