I have started a new blog, a continuation of this one, just a little different. I would love to have you visit me at http://habeshagoodness.wordpress.com/
I wish you many blessings and renewed faith that no matter what, life is very good.
Lisa
May I walk in grace always...
Monday, June 9, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Six Months Home
Life these last six months has looked like this - hard, really hard, really-really hard, I am so far underwater I might die-hard, I'm done and I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE-hard, two good days in a row-nice, one week with no drama-nice, three weeks and only one dramatic episode-very nice, life feels good- really nice, hard? what hard? life is really good.....
This transition has been far and beyond the most difficult of all our adoptions. No amount of training, reading, or expert opinions and advice or prior parenting experience could have prepared me for what I was met with day in and day out. Let me repeat that - No amount of training, reading, or expert opinions and advice or prior parenting experience could have prepared me for what I was met with day in and day out.
When I was able to sleep I woke up exhausted, grieving, angry, guilty, sad, depressed, emotionally drained and incredibly lonely. I went to bed feeling these same exact feelings only magnified by that newest days events.
It was a long road, and one I do not ever want to travel again.
Our family is really lucky in that the issues we dealt with were, for the most part, temporary. There are still "off" days, but those are so few and far between now that they can be easily managed and do not suck the life right out of the house. Other families struggle with those issues daily for years, and have no reprieve. God bless them, my heart truly hurts for those mamas, papas, hurting children, and siblings.
I am happy to say that life is feeling good now. We have found a rhythm and everyone is settling into their own respective roles within the family. Huge, incredible strides have been made and a lot of healing has taken place. Those dark, dark days resulted in true genuine bright and sunny days. The kind of bright and sunny that you can only get when hearts are mended, and tended to, and trust, safety, security and love are no longer foreign concepts but a natural part of everyday life.
As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day, and our family continues to evolve. I am eager to see how far we have come six months from today, and twelve months and two years from today. If the progress over these last six months is a fair gauge by which to hope then I look forward to what the future has to hold.
This transition has been far and beyond the most difficult of all our adoptions. No amount of training, reading, or expert opinions and advice or prior parenting experience could have prepared me for what I was met with day in and day out. Let me repeat that - No amount of training, reading, or expert opinions and advice or prior parenting experience could have prepared me for what I was met with day in and day out.
When I was able to sleep I woke up exhausted, grieving, angry, guilty, sad, depressed, emotionally drained and incredibly lonely. I went to bed feeling these same exact feelings only magnified by that newest days events.
It was a long road, and one I do not ever want to travel again.
Our family is really lucky in that the issues we dealt with were, for the most part, temporary. There are still "off" days, but those are so few and far between now that they can be easily managed and do not suck the life right out of the house. Other families struggle with those issues daily for years, and have no reprieve. God bless them, my heart truly hurts for those mamas, papas, hurting children, and siblings.
I am happy to say that life is feeling good now. We have found a rhythm and everyone is settling into their own respective roles within the family. Huge, incredible strides have been made and a lot of healing has taken place. Those dark, dark days resulted in true genuine bright and sunny days. The kind of bright and sunny that you can only get when hearts are mended, and tended to, and trust, safety, security and love are no longer foreign concepts but a natural part of everyday life.
As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day, and our family continues to evolve. I am eager to see how far we have come six months from today, and twelve months and two years from today. If the progress over these last six months is a fair gauge by which to hope then I look forward to what the future has to hold.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Ten Days In
We have been home for ten days. It feels longer than that, but also shorter. It's weird being in this transitional mode, when one minute life feels familiar and the next you feel like you have stepped into another persons life entirely.
Here are few things I have consistently felt in the last ten days:
1. I wake up excited and ready to start my day and within the first five minutes immediately feel overwhelmed.
2. Despite feeling overwhelmed I have been able to maintain a positive disposition throughout the entire day.
3. It took seven days for the jet lag to completely run its course.
4. I like it better when my Husband is home. I feel more capable when he is around, something about knowing if I need a break another adult is around to run the ship.
5. Ahbie is bossy. He is still incredibly handsome and funny, but wow, bossy.
6. Henok doesn't mind being bossed around, yet. He also is very curious, loves the trampoline, and hates the cold.
7. Elen does not want to leave my side and will sit outside the bathroom door just to be near. She is precious.
8. Senbete is quite possibly the kindest person I have ever known. She is quick to smile and loves to sing. Seriously, every time I turn around she is singing.
9. Chuna grew up in the two months I was gone. Did you know Justin Bieber is the cutest boy in the world. ever. She also wants to move to California so she can be on High School Musical. She is eight.
10. Ryan is by far the most laid back go with the flow person in the entire house. I couldn't have hand picked a better Son or big brother. Thank you God.
11. Oz is almost as tall as I am and it makes me want to cry. He is also full hugs which means I can't stop smiling.
12. I have kept up on the housework for ten straight days. Thank you Jesus.
13. I need a chart to allocate individual time with each child. 7 kids really is a lot, despite the fact I insisted it would be a breeze. Denial is a wonderful thing until reality slaps you in the face.
14. I love America and I also love Ethiopia...Equally....
15. My life is perfect right now, and knowing that it will only get better from here makes me smile from the inside out. I love my family, and it feels good to say that.
Here are few things I have consistently felt in the last ten days:
1. I wake up excited and ready to start my day and within the first five minutes immediately feel overwhelmed.
2. Despite feeling overwhelmed I have been able to maintain a positive disposition throughout the entire day.
3. It took seven days for the jet lag to completely run its course.
4. I like it better when my Husband is home. I feel more capable when he is around, something about knowing if I need a break another adult is around to run the ship.
5. Ahbie is bossy. He is still incredibly handsome and funny, but wow, bossy.
6. Henok doesn't mind being bossed around, yet. He also is very curious, loves the trampoline, and hates the cold.
7. Elen does not want to leave my side and will sit outside the bathroom door just to be near. She is precious.
8. Senbete is quite possibly the kindest person I have ever known. She is quick to smile and loves to sing. Seriously, every time I turn around she is singing.
9. Chuna grew up in the two months I was gone. Did you know Justin Bieber is the cutest boy in the world. ever. She also wants to move to California so she can be on High School Musical. She is eight.
10. Ryan is by far the most laid back go with the flow person in the entire house. I couldn't have hand picked a better Son or big brother. Thank you God.
11. Oz is almost as tall as I am and it makes me want to cry. He is also full hugs which means I can't stop smiling.
12. I have kept up on the housework for ten straight days. Thank you Jesus.
13. I need a chart to allocate individual time with each child. 7 kids really is a lot, despite the fact I insisted it would be a breeze. Denial is a wonderful thing until reality slaps you in the face.
14. I love America and I also love Ethiopia...Equally....
15. My life is perfect right now, and knowing that it will only get better from here makes me smile from the inside out. I love my family, and it feels good to say that.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2014
Hello 2014 you have no idea how happy I am that you have finally arrived.
Goodbye 2013. You were a difficult year and as much as I appreciate your seeing me through, I am really happy to be done with you.
Here's hoping this new year brings with it much joy and continued healing for everyone. It is my hearts desire to look back on 2014 as one of my best years yet. It is starting off great, so if this is a preview of things to come then I am happily jumping in with both feet.
Goodbye 2013. You were a difficult year and as much as I appreciate your seeing me through, I am really happy to be done with you.
Here's hoping this new year brings with it much joy and continued healing for everyone. It is my hearts desire to look back on 2014 as one of my best years yet. It is starting off great, so if this is a preview of things to come then I am happily jumping in with both feet.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Kennedy
I never hesitated to tell anyone who would listen that my Kennedy would live with me forever. That even when she grew up, became a Mother, a wife, a 35 year old woman, she would always live with me. I love my daughter with every breath I take.
Sadly life doesn't always work out the way we intend.
Kennedy is a Mother now, and for all intents and purposes, a wife. But she doesn't live with me anymore, and hasn't for almost a year.
I miss her. Desperately.
I talk to her daily. I see her often and I get to love on my grand baby. I adore her soul mate, who loves and treats her like a princess.
But still I miss her.
She has grown up, my girl, and she is forging her own path in life. She is a mommy who adores her son and who lavishes him with love, kisses and the patience of a saint. When she stumbles she does not run back into my arms but gets herself up and continues to push on. She loves her independence fiercely and will cling to it no matter what. I could not be more proud of her.
My heart aches though because I miss her here, with me. I long for the days when her biggest concern was matching her shoes to her outfit. Or when she would come home from work smelling like a nacho supreme (to this day I can't go to taco bell without feeling a lump in my throat and expecting to see her smile when I get to the window). I miss the smell of her perfume and seeing her key chain with far to many bobbles on it lying everywhere but where it should be (she is her mamas daughter). I miss her messy room, her piles of laundry, her backpack in the middle of the hallway. I miss laughing with her, laughing so hard my stomach ached. I miss hugging her, watching her leave the house in her workout clothes, water bottle in hand and a smile on her face. I miss my daughter.
I am grieving for what has passed. I will never ever get those moments back. They are now and forever only memories of days gone by. Life has moved on and what I miss will never be again. I can't will time to stop nor can I will what has passed to be my present.
I do not know how to accept this just yet. In fact, unbelievably, there is still a part of me that refuses to accept this and insists I can make life what it used to be.
We make new memories now. We have new experiences together and she needs me in different ways. Now we talk about grown up things like soothing a crying baby and paying bills. This all happened to fast and I am stumbling to catch up to the present.
I miss her desperately and in a strange twist, during this season of our life, I think I actually need her more than she needs me.
Sadly life doesn't always work out the way we intend.
Kennedy is a Mother now, and for all intents and purposes, a wife. But she doesn't live with me anymore, and hasn't for almost a year.
I miss her. Desperately.
I talk to her daily. I see her often and I get to love on my grand baby. I adore her soul mate, who loves and treats her like a princess.
But still I miss her.
She has grown up, my girl, and she is forging her own path in life. She is a mommy who adores her son and who lavishes him with love, kisses and the patience of a saint. When she stumbles she does not run back into my arms but gets herself up and continues to push on. She loves her independence fiercely and will cling to it no matter what. I could not be more proud of her.
My heart aches though because I miss her here, with me. I long for the days when her biggest concern was matching her shoes to her outfit. Or when she would come home from work smelling like a nacho supreme (to this day I can't go to taco bell without feeling a lump in my throat and expecting to see her smile when I get to the window). I miss the smell of her perfume and seeing her key chain with far to many bobbles on it lying everywhere but where it should be (she is her mamas daughter). I miss her messy room, her piles of laundry, her backpack in the middle of the hallway. I miss laughing with her, laughing so hard my stomach ached. I miss hugging her, watching her leave the house in her workout clothes, water bottle in hand and a smile on her face. I miss my daughter.
I am grieving for what has passed. I will never ever get those moments back. They are now and forever only memories of days gone by. Life has moved on and what I miss will never be again. I can't will time to stop nor can I will what has passed to be my present.
I do not know how to accept this just yet. In fact, unbelievably, there is still a part of me that refuses to accept this and insists I can make life what it used to be.
We make new memories now. We have new experiences together and she needs me in different ways. Now we talk about grown up things like soothing a crying baby and paying bills. This all happened to fast and I am stumbling to catch up to the present.
I miss her desperately and in a strange twist, during this season of our life, I think I actually need her more than she needs me.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Oh No it's the project
The kids are all in school, public school that is. And they LOVE it! They love their friends, their teachers, and the fact that they get to ride a school bus. And I love that they love it.
I also am very fond of the school, each of the teachers, and the unique approach they take to teaching each student. Could not be happier.....
Until......
I get an e-mail from our Kindie teacher, Elens teacher, whom I adore as does Elen. This e-mail it says they are starting a project called "I Remember When". For those who may not be in the loop this particular assignment is every parent who has ever adopted an older child worst nightmare, but more importantly every older adopted childs worst nightmare.
Naturally they are looking for baby pictures and pictures from birth to present day depicting significant events in their lives.
Um.....How can I sat this without crying? We don't have baby pictures of Elen. None, not one. There is no way to get a baby picture of Elen.
Elen will likely be the only student in her class whose pictures will date back to only 1 year ago. My friends, she will notice this. And her friends will notice this, and anyone who is not really a friend and wants to find something to make fun of her for, will notice this.
And now I will cry, because this is only the first of many events which will highlight that she is different from her peers.
Let me compose myself now and google how does an adopted older child complete this type of project.....Because whether I like it or not this is the world we live in. This is the world my adopted children live in and there certainly is no reason to crumble over this. Instead we will rock out the best possible project we can and make our way through this obstacle with our heads held high.....
I also am very fond of the school, each of the teachers, and the unique approach they take to teaching each student. Could not be happier.....
Until......
I get an e-mail from our Kindie teacher, Elens teacher, whom I adore as does Elen. This e-mail it says they are starting a project called "I Remember When". For those who may not be in the loop this particular assignment is every parent who has ever adopted an older child worst nightmare, but more importantly every older adopted childs worst nightmare.
Naturally they are looking for baby pictures and pictures from birth to present day depicting significant events in their lives.
Um.....How can I sat this without crying? We don't have baby pictures of Elen. None, not one. There is no way to get a baby picture of Elen.
Elen will likely be the only student in her class whose pictures will date back to only 1 year ago. My friends, she will notice this. And her friends will notice this, and anyone who is not really a friend and wants to find something to make fun of her for, will notice this.
And now I will cry, because this is only the first of many events which will highlight that she is different from her peers.
Let me compose myself now and google how does an adopted older child complete this type of project.....Because whether I like it or not this is the world we live in. This is the world my adopted children live in and there certainly is no reason to crumble over this. Instead we will rock out the best possible project we can and make our way through this obstacle with our heads held high.....
Monday, August 12, 2013
Summer Recap
Summer break went by way to fast, again....But doesn't it always seem to work out this way? And to make matters worse we didn't do nearly the things we had wanted to. We did manage to fit a few fun things in though which makes me happy, but next year I really want to be able to actually make every day of summer count. Perhaps I will start planning next summer now, and that way there will be no excuse for letting time slip through our fingers as if it never existed in the first place.
Ah to dream....We all know that I wont give next summer another thought until May 29, 2014 rolls around and I scramble to make it the "best summer ever"......
Until then I just want to say goodbye Summer break. You really were good to us, and we appreciate every lazy day and every fun filled activity we accomplished on your watch. We will see you again next year....
Without further ado here is a bit of what our summer looked like.
Ah to dream....We all know that I wont give next summer another thought until May 29, 2014 rolls around and I scramble to make it the "best summer ever"......
Until then I just want to say goodbye Summer break. You really were good to us, and we appreciate every lazy day and every fun filled activity we accomplished on your watch. We will see you again next year....
Without further ado here is a bit of what our summer looked like.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Something About Six
When we were waiting for a court date for the boys I was browsing the domestic waiting child lists. I happened upon a sibling group of six and the wheels started spinning. I looked at their pictures, I watched a short video that had been made, where each of them talked about what they wanted in a family. They were precious and beautiful and my heart broke for them. I talked to Jimmy and asked if there was any way we could try to pursue their adoption. He smiled at me, told me how much he loved me, and then apologized and told me no, there was no way he could do six in addition to our two boys we were waiting to bring home.
My heart sank. There was something about the number six that I couldn't shake. It seemed right. It seemed like six was the perfect number, and I couldn't shake it.
We got our court date for the boys, flew to Ethiopia and fell madly in love.
Before we left Ethiopia we knew we would be back, that our family was not yet complete, and that we still had children here.
Until you have experienced the feeling, there aren't words to explain it. It wasn't simply a desire to grow our family, it was an indisputable certainty that we would be back. A fact, like the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
We were home for two months when we inquired about a girl, a beautiful, gentle princess whom we had met when we went for the boys. We knew she was our daughter, meant to be ours and we were anxious to start the process to bring her home quickly. We were crushed when we had been told she was matched with a family already. How could this be? We knew she was meant to be ours but we had been wrong.
We pressed on, until one day a sibling set of girls appeared on our agencies waiting child list. They were from Gambella, just as our boys were, and there stories were remarkably similar. These were our girls.
It is interesting because you can look at 100 profiles of children and while your heart breaks for them and you pray that they find their forever family, there is not a connection in your heart. When you see a picture of your children though, the connection is immediate, it is as if you are staring into the eyes of your child.
This is how I felt with our girls. We fought hard to get them, and overcame obstacles that some days brought us to the brink, but we persevered and they were ours.
We flew to Ethiopia for the second time in 12 months and fell madly in love again.
We also learned on that trip that the beautiful girl who we knew was our daughter had not actually been matched with a family. Someone made a mistake when they told us she had been, when in reality not a single family had expressed interest. We were heartbroken, but knew that we would be back for her. She was our daughter.
We came home and had big decisions to make. We were now parents to four new children, all older, all with their unique personalities, strengths, needs, and struggles. What was best for our family? Were we able to emotionally provide for each one, in the manner they deserved? Financially how can we make this work? It was scary to say yes again, but there was no doubt what the answer was, she was our daughter and she needed to be home with us.
What started out as having two Sons, quickly became two Sons and two Daughters, and now a third daughter. Five!!! We would be parents to five perfect little souls from Ethiopia.
Despite the fact that five was already completely outside of Jimmys original plan, I still could not shake the number six. Two years later and six still sat quietly in the back of my mind.
In December while we were waiting to update our home study I went onto our agencies waiting child list. There was a boy, 6 years old, the most beautiful smile, and kindest eyes. My heart stirred.
But we were in the middle of upheaval with the house explosion only two months earlier, not being in a new home, trying to get our life to resemble something remotely close to normal. Surely we can't take on two more, could we?
I tucked him into my heart and prayed. I mentioned him to Jimmy and we continued to pray.
In January he was still on the waiting child list. We were finally in our new home and settling a bit, but we still needed to finish updating our home study. We hadn't yet been able to commit one way or the other. We did not want to get our hopes up before our home study was complete in case we weren't approved for two children. I would look at his picture daily, and every time I pulled it up and saw he had not yet been matched with a family I would feel a wave of relief. As much as I wanted him to have a family, I wanted it to be our family.
Several weeks later our home study was finished and to our delight we were approved for two. We had a conversation that night and it was decided he was our Son. The next day I emailed our agency to request his file.
It would be several more weeks of waiting before our agency agreed to match us, but in the end it was done. Our Son would soon be coming home, along with our Daughter.
Which brings me back to numbers. Six. When it is all said and done we will have six and it feels right, perfect, just the way it is supposed to be.
Jimmy just laughs when we talk about how six seemed like such an impossible number for him just two short years ago.
We are waiting for our court date now and praying fervently that it comes before the rainy season.
We are so blessed, and I have been through this enough times to know that Gods timing is always perfect so I take peace in knowing that right now, right this minute is exactly as it is supposed to be and when we get our court date it will be exactly when it is supposed to be.
And I can't help but smile when I think about having our six little loves tucked in at night under the same roof.
There is something about six.....
My heart sank. There was something about the number six that I couldn't shake. It seemed right. It seemed like six was the perfect number, and I couldn't shake it.
We got our court date for the boys, flew to Ethiopia and fell madly in love.
Before we left Ethiopia we knew we would be back, that our family was not yet complete, and that we still had children here.
Until you have experienced the feeling, there aren't words to explain it. It wasn't simply a desire to grow our family, it was an indisputable certainty that we would be back. A fact, like the sun rises in the East and sets in the West.
We were home for two months when we inquired about a girl, a beautiful, gentle princess whom we had met when we went for the boys. We knew she was our daughter, meant to be ours and we were anxious to start the process to bring her home quickly. We were crushed when we had been told she was matched with a family already. How could this be? We knew she was meant to be ours but we had been wrong.
We pressed on, until one day a sibling set of girls appeared on our agencies waiting child list. They were from Gambella, just as our boys were, and there stories were remarkably similar. These were our girls.
It is interesting because you can look at 100 profiles of children and while your heart breaks for them and you pray that they find their forever family, there is not a connection in your heart. When you see a picture of your children though, the connection is immediate, it is as if you are staring into the eyes of your child.
This is how I felt with our girls. We fought hard to get them, and overcame obstacles that some days brought us to the brink, but we persevered and they were ours.
We flew to Ethiopia for the second time in 12 months and fell madly in love again.
We also learned on that trip that the beautiful girl who we knew was our daughter had not actually been matched with a family. Someone made a mistake when they told us she had been, when in reality not a single family had expressed interest. We were heartbroken, but knew that we would be back for her. She was our daughter.
We came home and had big decisions to make. We were now parents to four new children, all older, all with their unique personalities, strengths, needs, and struggles. What was best for our family? Were we able to emotionally provide for each one, in the manner they deserved? Financially how can we make this work? It was scary to say yes again, but there was no doubt what the answer was, she was our daughter and she needed to be home with us.
What started out as having two Sons, quickly became two Sons and two Daughters, and now a third daughter. Five!!! We would be parents to five perfect little souls from Ethiopia.
Despite the fact that five was already completely outside of Jimmys original plan, I still could not shake the number six. Two years later and six still sat quietly in the back of my mind.
In December while we were waiting to update our home study I went onto our agencies waiting child list. There was a boy, 6 years old, the most beautiful smile, and kindest eyes. My heart stirred.
But we were in the middle of upheaval with the house explosion only two months earlier, not being in a new home, trying to get our life to resemble something remotely close to normal. Surely we can't take on two more, could we?
I tucked him into my heart and prayed. I mentioned him to Jimmy and we continued to pray.
In January he was still on the waiting child list. We were finally in our new home and settling a bit, but we still needed to finish updating our home study. We hadn't yet been able to commit one way or the other. We did not want to get our hopes up before our home study was complete in case we weren't approved for two children. I would look at his picture daily, and every time I pulled it up and saw he had not yet been matched with a family I would feel a wave of relief. As much as I wanted him to have a family, I wanted it to be our family.
Several weeks later our home study was finished and to our delight we were approved for two. We had a conversation that night and it was decided he was our Son. The next day I emailed our agency to request his file.
It would be several more weeks of waiting before our agency agreed to match us, but in the end it was done. Our Son would soon be coming home, along with our Daughter.
Which brings me back to numbers. Six. When it is all said and done we will have six and it feels right, perfect, just the way it is supposed to be.
Jimmy just laughs when we talk about how six seemed like such an impossible number for him just two short years ago.
We are waiting for our court date now and praying fervently that it comes before the rainy season.
We are so blessed, and I have been through this enough times to know that Gods timing is always perfect so I take peace in knowing that right now, right this minute is exactly as it is supposed to be and when we get our court date it will be exactly when it is supposed to be.
And I can't help but smile when I think about having our six little loves tucked in at night under the same roof.
There is something about six.....
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
A beautiul beginning
I started homeschooling a little over two months ago. When the decision was made and we knew we were moving forward in this direction I had high hopes with respect to seeing the academic progress the kids would make. Lets just say I have not been disappointed.
What had never crossed my mind as this decision was made was the emotional growth I would see as well. The relationships between the kids has strengthened in a multitude of areas. They support, encourage, and cheer one another on. They are a different set of siblings today and I am so proud of each of them.
The biggest transformation has been with Oz and his relationship with me. It is no secret that he has always been Daddy's boy. The relationship between him and I has been an unbelievable slow work in progress. I had fully expected him to be well into his 20's before he allowed himself to completely attach to me.
I was wrong.
I cringe to think just how difficult school must have been for him. Sitting in class each day feeling defeated, less than, and longing to be where his peers are. Aside from his social life, which he LOVED, school must have been a slow prolonged torture.
Since I have home schooled him not only has he made leaps and bounds academically, but he has bonded to me in a way I never thought was possible. When we were about two weeks into homeschooling I noticed he was becoming more affectionate. He would sit my be just because, or find a reason to have some sort of physical contact. Then he started kissing my cheek at night as we went through our bedtime routine. This has been a treat reserved only for Dad. As his academic confidence grew, and our one on one interactions increased, so did his outward displays of love toward me.
It seems that as the weight of his public school experience continues to wash off of him, he is becoming a new person. He is so happy not to have to go to school anymore. He has never asked to go back, not one time. Although he has expressed his desire to go to middle school for 7th grade as he wants to participate in the sports programs.
He recently got over a week long illness which wiped him out. High fever, headache, cough, etc. It was so hard to see him in that state. He needed me a lot during that time, taking care of things like his medicine, water, juice, small bits of food, etc.
This past Sunday was his first day of feeling "back to normal" and it was so good to have my Oz back. We were outside and I told him how much I had missed his smiling face, and I was so happy he was better. That night as we were winding down from our day he said to me "are you the best mom ever?" and I said "I don't know, what do you think, am I?" and he hugged me and he said "Yes I think you are the best mom ever in this whole world"
It took two years for us to get to this point, and it is with joy in my heart that I look forward to what the next two years holds, and each year after that.
Thank you God...
What had never crossed my mind as this decision was made was the emotional growth I would see as well. The relationships between the kids has strengthened in a multitude of areas. They support, encourage, and cheer one another on. They are a different set of siblings today and I am so proud of each of them.
The biggest transformation has been with Oz and his relationship with me. It is no secret that he has always been Daddy's boy. The relationship between him and I has been an unbelievable slow work in progress. I had fully expected him to be well into his 20's before he allowed himself to completely attach to me.
I was wrong.
I cringe to think just how difficult school must have been for him. Sitting in class each day feeling defeated, less than, and longing to be where his peers are. Aside from his social life, which he LOVED, school must have been a slow prolonged torture.
Since I have home schooled him not only has he made leaps and bounds academically, but he has bonded to me in a way I never thought was possible. When we were about two weeks into homeschooling I noticed he was becoming more affectionate. He would sit my be just because, or find a reason to have some sort of physical contact. Then he started kissing my cheek at night as we went through our bedtime routine. This has been a treat reserved only for Dad. As his academic confidence grew, and our one on one interactions increased, so did his outward displays of love toward me.
It seems that as the weight of his public school experience continues to wash off of him, he is becoming a new person. He is so happy not to have to go to school anymore. He has never asked to go back, not one time. Although he has expressed his desire to go to middle school for 7th grade as he wants to participate in the sports programs.
He recently got over a week long illness which wiped him out. High fever, headache, cough, etc. It was so hard to see him in that state. He needed me a lot during that time, taking care of things like his medicine, water, juice, small bits of food, etc.
This past Sunday was his first day of feeling "back to normal" and it was so good to have my Oz back. We were outside and I told him how much I had missed his smiling face, and I was so happy he was better. That night as we were winding down from our day he said to me "are you the best mom ever?" and I said "I don't know, what do you think, am I?" and he hugged me and he said "Yes I think you are the best mom ever in this whole world"
It took two years for us to get to this point, and it is with joy in my heart that I look forward to what the next two years holds, and each year after that.
Thank you God...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Baby Shower
How time flies. Kennedy is due in little more than a month. Precious Daughter will no longer be her exclusive title, but to it she will add Beautiful Mother.
Where has the time gone, and how ever did it go so quickly.
For any momma who has had to let a child go you can relate to the emotions that are forever swirling, from elation, excitement, pride, and unconditional love - to fear, sorrow, loneliness, and despair.
Letting my Daughter go has proven to be one of my most difficult transitions to date. I love her so, and while I want more than anything for her to fly into her bright future, I can't help but want to smother her tight, right here next to me for eternity.
Oh the joys and heartbreaks of Motherhood. I respectfully disagree with anyone who says childbirth is the most painful event of their lives. Letting your child go far surpasses that pain, and if I could trade one for the other, I would.
I love my girl beyond measure, and no matter her age, her marital status, or the number of grandchildren she gives me, she will forever be my baby.
Where has the time gone, and how ever did it go so quickly.
For any momma who has had to let a child go you can relate to the emotions that are forever swirling, from elation, excitement, pride, and unconditional love - to fear, sorrow, loneliness, and despair.
Letting my Daughter go has proven to be one of my most difficult transitions to date. I love her so, and while I want more than anything for her to fly into her bright future, I can't help but want to smother her tight, right here next to me for eternity.
Oh the joys and heartbreaks of Motherhood. I respectfully disagree with anyone who says childbirth is the most painful event of their lives. Letting your child go far surpasses that pain, and if I could trade one for the other, I would.
I love my girl beyond measure, and no matter her age, her marital status, or the number of grandchildren she gives me, she will forever be my baby.
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| Kennedy and Jeffrey |
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Easter Was Fun
After my last post about the plastic egg meltdown I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but Easter was fun.
I did a lot of things different this time.
First: I bought everything at the last minute. This was good because there wasn't much selection so I didn't go crazy.
Second: I kept it simple. Plastic buckets in stead of elaborate baskets. Everyone got the same thing (except Ry because of his age) a set of goggles w/snorkle and a beach towel, and candy. Ry got a towel and a Qdoba gift card in his bucket.
Third: I have always hidden the baskets, this year I set them all out on the dining room table, and hid only the eggs.
Since this is the kids the frist Easter for the four youngest they didn't know any different so for them this was AWESOME! In fact when Ahbie came down the stairs I could hear him saying to no one inparticular "The Easter bunny came! I sure love that guy!"
Ryan is older so he doesn't care about hunting for a basket, and had no desire to hunt for eggs. He had fun helping the kids find the eggs.
We had cereal for breakfast, went to Chilis for lunch, bought bikes for the kids as they have been asking often since they lost theirs. Today was a beautiful Spring day and bikes were the perfect addition.
Kennedy and Jeffrey stopped by and dropped off Easter goodies, which were scrum-dilly-ump-tious.
Jimmy took the boys and two of their friends to a movie and I watched The Wizard of Oz with the girls.
It was fun, relaxed, and full of joy.
Happy Easter.
I did a lot of things different this time.
First: I bought everything at the last minute. This was good because there wasn't much selection so I didn't go crazy.
Second: I kept it simple. Plastic buckets in stead of elaborate baskets. Everyone got the same thing (except Ry because of his age) a set of goggles w/snorkle and a beach towel, and candy. Ry got a towel and a Qdoba gift card in his bucket.
Third: I have always hidden the baskets, this year I set them all out on the dining room table, and hid only the eggs.
Since this is the kids the frist Easter for the four youngest they didn't know any different so for them this was AWESOME! In fact when Ahbie came down the stairs I could hear him saying to no one inparticular "The Easter bunny came! I sure love that guy!"
Ryan is older so he doesn't care about hunting for a basket, and had no desire to hunt for eggs. He had fun helping the kids find the eggs.
We had cereal for breakfast, went to Chilis for lunch, bought bikes for the kids as they have been asking often since they lost theirs. Today was a beautiful Spring day and bikes were the perfect addition.
Kennedy and Jeffrey stopped by and dropped off Easter goodies, which were scrum-dilly-ump-tious.
Jimmy took the boys and two of their friends to a movie and I watched The Wizard of Oz with the girls.
It was fun, relaxed, and full of joy.
Happy Easter.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
That's All It Took
A plastic Easter egg randomly placed by a child and then found by me in the pantry. That's all it took to plunge me headlong into a depression I haven't been able to shake.
Three Easters ago I bought close to 500 plastic eggs on clearance to be used the following Easter. I had big plans for an Easter egg hunt, and I was so very excited. I also grabbed a bunch of plastic Easter buckets, for those who forgot to bring theirs, and the greatest yard sign which read START to be placed where all of the kids lined up.
That following Easter came and the eggs weren't used because we were in Ethiopia meeting our Sons for the very first time. I could think of no better way to have celebrated that Easter, but knew in the back of my mind that the following Easter I would put on the Easter egg hunt.
The following Easter came and in Gods amazing timing we were in Ethiopia again, this time meeting our Daughters. Once again I couldn't imagine myself anywhere other than right where I was on that Easter Sunday, and I couldn't help but think about how wonderful the following Easter was going to be with these four new blessings hunting for plastic Easter eggs.
One week from today will be the following Easter, the one I had so looked forward to. Only I don't have those 500 plastic eggs anymore, or the buckets, or that yard sign. They are all gone, taken from me on October 12, 2012 when my home exploded. I write that and I cry. Not because those silly plastic eggs can't be replaced, but because it is a reminder of how the seemingly simple things in life aren't really simple at all. They make up who we are. They represent our ideas, our plans, our dreams, hopes, and joy.
I am angry that my life has been turned upside down. I am angry that I can't look in my pantry for the bread without being blindsided by a plastic egg that shakes my very foundation. I am angry that it has had this impact on me and that I can't shake it. I'm angry that the first Easter for my children will not be what I had planned, hoped, and dreamed.
I don't want to replace those eggs, I want my eggs back.
I don't want to replace those buckets, I want my buckets back.
I don't want to replace that sign, I want my sign back.
I am now so left of center that I wish more than anything else that Easter would pass us by and I wouldn't have to acknowledge it all. I don't have Easter baskets for the kids, every time I see them in the store I want to throw up. And then I get angry, and then depressed, and then angry because I am depressed.
And damn it I want my eggs back, I want the excitement I felt for that egg hunt back, and I guess I just really want my life back.
I'm tired of pushing ahead, I just want to to stop for a while and ask God why? I haven't done that, I don't do that, I try to be the eternal optimist, but right now I'm tired of trying to keep my head above water. I need to be carried for a while.
I think instead of asking God why, I need to ask him for strength and grace. Asking why is pointless isn't it? Who cares why, what's done is done. I need strength right now, to shake off these blues. And I need grace to help me understand that life is so much bigger than I can ever understand and eggs or no eggs, I can still make plans, have hopes, and feel excitement, if I choose to.
Letting go is hard. Much harder then I ever could have imagined.
Three Easters ago I bought close to 500 plastic eggs on clearance to be used the following Easter. I had big plans for an Easter egg hunt, and I was so very excited. I also grabbed a bunch of plastic Easter buckets, for those who forgot to bring theirs, and the greatest yard sign which read START to be placed where all of the kids lined up.
That following Easter came and the eggs weren't used because we were in Ethiopia meeting our Sons for the very first time. I could think of no better way to have celebrated that Easter, but knew in the back of my mind that the following Easter I would put on the Easter egg hunt.
The following Easter came and in Gods amazing timing we were in Ethiopia again, this time meeting our Daughters. Once again I couldn't imagine myself anywhere other than right where I was on that Easter Sunday, and I couldn't help but think about how wonderful the following Easter was going to be with these four new blessings hunting for plastic Easter eggs.
One week from today will be the following Easter, the one I had so looked forward to. Only I don't have those 500 plastic eggs anymore, or the buckets, or that yard sign. They are all gone, taken from me on October 12, 2012 when my home exploded. I write that and I cry. Not because those silly plastic eggs can't be replaced, but because it is a reminder of how the seemingly simple things in life aren't really simple at all. They make up who we are. They represent our ideas, our plans, our dreams, hopes, and joy.
I am angry that my life has been turned upside down. I am angry that I can't look in my pantry for the bread without being blindsided by a plastic egg that shakes my very foundation. I am angry that it has had this impact on me and that I can't shake it. I'm angry that the first Easter for my children will not be what I had planned, hoped, and dreamed.
I don't want to replace those eggs, I want my eggs back.
I don't want to replace those buckets, I want my buckets back.
I don't want to replace that sign, I want my sign back.
I am now so left of center that I wish more than anything else that Easter would pass us by and I wouldn't have to acknowledge it all. I don't have Easter baskets for the kids, every time I see them in the store I want to throw up. And then I get angry, and then depressed, and then angry because I am depressed.
And damn it I want my eggs back, I want the excitement I felt for that egg hunt back, and I guess I just really want my life back.
I'm tired of pushing ahead, I just want to to stop for a while and ask God why? I haven't done that, I don't do that, I try to be the eternal optimist, but right now I'm tired of trying to keep my head above water. I need to be carried for a while.
I think instead of asking God why, I need to ask him for strength and grace. Asking why is pointless isn't it? Who cares why, what's done is done. I need strength right now, to shake off these blues. And I need grace to help me understand that life is so much bigger than I can ever understand and eggs or no eggs, I can still make plans, have hopes, and feel excitement, if I choose to.
Letting go is hard. Much harder then I ever could have imagined.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Honor Them Always
It's really hard some days, hearing about the life your child led before coming to you. The depths of their emotions can be overwhelming and your first instinct is to run to safety, to avoid the emotional drowning that accompanies such tragedy. But then just as quickly another more powerful instinct kicks in, that of protector, of mommy - the soft place for your baby to fall.
In a strange and surprising twist, the latter is more safe, more peaceful, more empowering. You realize that to run to safety accomplishes nothing, other than avoiding the inevitable, while protecting, being their soft place to fall in those heart wrenching moments actually brings healing, and allows you all, even if ever so slowly, to move on.
There is rebirth and new joy found as each difficult memory is realized, processed, acknowledged, and accepted.
It is that joy you see in their eyes, and the comments after like "thank you mommy for letting me talk", that make walking with them through their pain so very worth it. And when you know this you begin to understand that while you were not there to protect in the beginning, your physical and emotional presence in the now are like a soothing balm to a raw and hurting heart. It is what they need. To be heard, acknowledged, validated, and understood.
Protect now their sweet innocence, for although they have lived through so much ugly, they are still innocent in so many ways. Listen to them, love them, soothe their fears, be quiet and still and just listen to them. Give them peace of mind today, or at the minimum begin to build this foundation for them. They will grow into their security, faith and trust but it can take time.
The goal is not to "fix" them or to "take away" their pain, but rather to show them that life can be safe, they can love and be loved, they are worthy and so very valuable, they are unique and special in a million different ways which is what makes them who they are, and why they are so loved.
To "fix" implies they are broken, which is surely not the case.
Don't run from the ugly, they deserve better then that. Their stories deserve to be heard, for this honors who they are and where they have come from. Embrace it, and always be their soft place to fall. Be their Safe, their Constant, their well from which to draw love, reassurance and security, until they are filled up with it and realize, one day, that they have a well of their own, deep down inside their hearts, from which to draw.
In a strange and surprising twist, the latter is more safe, more peaceful, more empowering. You realize that to run to safety accomplishes nothing, other than avoiding the inevitable, while protecting, being their soft place to fall in those heart wrenching moments actually brings healing, and allows you all, even if ever so slowly, to move on.
There is rebirth and new joy found as each difficult memory is realized, processed, acknowledged, and accepted.
It is that joy you see in their eyes, and the comments after like "thank you mommy for letting me talk", that make walking with them through their pain so very worth it. And when you know this you begin to understand that while you were not there to protect in the beginning, your physical and emotional presence in the now are like a soothing balm to a raw and hurting heart. It is what they need. To be heard, acknowledged, validated, and understood.
Protect now their sweet innocence, for although they have lived through so much ugly, they are still innocent in so many ways. Listen to them, love them, soothe their fears, be quiet and still and just listen to them. Give them peace of mind today, or at the minimum begin to build this foundation for them. They will grow into their security, faith and trust but it can take time.
The goal is not to "fix" them or to "take away" their pain, but rather to show them that life can be safe, they can love and be loved, they are worthy and so very valuable, they are unique and special in a million different ways which is what makes them who they are, and why they are so loved.
To "fix" implies they are broken, which is surely not the case.
Don't run from the ugly, they deserve better then that. Their stories deserve to be heard, for this honors who they are and where they have come from. Embrace it, and always be their soft place to fall. Be their Safe, their Constant, their well from which to draw love, reassurance and security, until they are filled up with it and realize, one day, that they have a well of their own, deep down inside their hearts, from which to draw.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
The Wildlife Experience
I love homeschooling. I love it!!! Did I mention I love it??!!
Not only do I love it but the kids love it too. I knew it could go either way, so the fact that each day they wake up more eager then the day before makes me smile.
I love the flexibility, the laid back pace, the freedom to take as long as we need to on any one thing without worrying we aren't sticking to a stringent schedule.
I also love field trips. Since the weather has not been ideal for a lot of outside playtime, and they are now spending more time "cooped up" then what they are used to I opted to have a field trip last Friday to the Childrens Museum. It was a good time for the three younger ones, as everything was geared for children of a younger age. I felt bad for Oz though, as there was really nothing for him to do. He was disappointed.
I also took them on a field trip today. Jimmy was home and I thought it would be nice for him to join us this time. We went to lunch and then to The Wildlife Experience. It was fantastic! None of us had been there before and I am so glad we got to experience this first together. The kids were excited and engaged from the minute we walked through the doors.
Oz was so interested in all that was around him, he listened intently as Jimmy explained what this meant, and how that worked. Oz took out his phone and started taking pictures to have his own record of our visit.
The little ones were giddy, running from here to there, asking a million questions and soaking in the experience. It was a huge hit and we will be going back.
Not only do I love it but the kids love it too. I knew it could go either way, so the fact that each day they wake up more eager then the day before makes me smile.
I love the flexibility, the laid back pace, the freedom to take as long as we need to on any one thing without worrying we aren't sticking to a stringent schedule.
I also love field trips. Since the weather has not been ideal for a lot of outside playtime, and they are now spending more time "cooped up" then what they are used to I opted to have a field trip last Friday to the Childrens Museum. It was a good time for the three younger ones, as everything was geared for children of a younger age. I felt bad for Oz though, as there was really nothing for him to do. He was disappointed.
I also took them on a field trip today. Jimmy was home and I thought it would be nice for him to join us this time. We went to lunch and then to The Wildlife Experience. It was fantastic! None of us had been there before and I am so glad we got to experience this first together. The kids were excited and engaged from the minute we walked through the doors.
Oz was so interested in all that was around him, he listened intently as Jimmy explained what this meant, and how that worked. Oz took out his phone and started taking pictures to have his own record of our visit.
The little ones were giddy, running from here to there, asking a million questions and soaking in the experience. It was a huge hit and we will be going back.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Hair
I am starting to keep track of the hairstyles I do for the girls, both photos as well as the time it takes.
Here is the style for today.
I did flat rope twists on Elen with a side part. I put rubberbands on the ends in addition to the heart beads, but will do only the beads next time.
This is my first attempt at flat rope twists and it took me an hour and a half.
Here is the style for today.
I did flat rope twists on Elen with a side part. I put rubberbands on the ends in addition to the heart beads, but will do only the beads next time.
This is my first attempt at flat rope twists and it took me an hour and a half.
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